Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Fiction...or FACT??

After watching Incident at Loch Ness over the weekend, I thought I might indulge in one of my favorite hobbies: going on-line and finding pictures of real ghosts and monsters. Sure, the government and probably also NASA tries to keep the proof of the existence of such creatures hidden from the public, but there are scores of ghost and/or Sasquatch hunters out there who struggle every day to get the truth out there (here). They do more before noon than you probably did all last Sunday, you lazy fuckers. So to begin.

Much is made by people who I would label "doubters" or "haters" or even "haterzz" that the entire length and depth of Loch Ness has been searched, and no ghost has ever been found. Well, okay, but what about the Loch Ness Monster??? He's the whole point, you lying idiots! And here he is, even!

And look at him getting ready to eat a fish! That's so cute! Although Nessie is pretty dangerous, too, so be careful the next time you're in Scotland.

The ghosts that aren't being found in the waters of Loch Ness can actually be found everywhere else in the world. All you have to do is look, and be sensitive to their presence, or have mind powers, or have top-of-the-line ghosting technology, like these fellows:

These guys are doing important work, and they're doing it on TV, but the thing I find so admirable about them is that they have day jobs...as plumbers!! For Roto-Rooter, I think. And they've both made it crystal clear that if the ghost hunting money should ever dry up, they'll just go on being plumbers, smooth as you please, because they're just regular joes, like you and me. I bet they'd keep hunting ghosts for free, too, because that's just how they are.

Speaking of which, here's a ghost:

See it? How does NASA think they can keep this stuff from us? It's going to get out there anyway, you stupid astronauts. Maybe if you worked more closely and openly with the public, you would find even more ghosts, and your plan to construct an all-ghost space colony on Saturn will be realized far sooner than you dared hope.
Also, gnomes are real. For a long time, even I didn't believe gnomes were real, and I believe in unicorns, but lately they've been coming out of the woodwork (probably literally, because they're gnomes, and gnomes live in wood -- cabinets and hutches and trees and so forth). Here's one:
What's interesting about this guy -- who I have named "Simon Leafgood" -- is that he's clearly aware that a Man is nearby, attempting to capture his image in some way, and yet he appears unafraid. Have we infringed on their home so thoroughly that they have become acclimated to us? It's like when you go to a big city, and the squirrels will practically walk right up to you, like "Hey. Is that popcorn? What does ice cream taste like? I'm a squirrel, by the way."

Simon Leafgood certainly seems friendly enough, at least, but I fear that our ruthless industrial spread has angered some in the gnome community, and there may come a time when we will have to atone, or face the rope. Look at this:

That gnome is pissed! If that still doesn't give you a chilling enough picture of our future, then check out this video, from whence the above image came. They're out for blood, people. Human blood. And God knows that NASA isn't going to help us when the gnomes rise up. I don't know who can help us, but presumably, somewhere out there, there's some kind of Chosen One, a teenager probably, who maybe has an amulet he can use. Fingers crossed, anyhow.


Greg said...

I once went to visit my estranged father, Earl Partridge, after a bad interview and when his caretaker opened the door there were these gnomes yipping and yapping and I was like, "I will drop-kick those fuckin' gnomes if they come near me." Yeah, you better believe they backed off. When the gnomes finally come, I'm taking 'em out.

Oh, and don't tell anyone, but the whole Nessie thing is kinda my bad. See when I was a kid I bought this domesticated plesiosaur from the back of EC Comics Two-Fisted Tales and by the time we took a family vacation to Scotland (I brought him with us) she was getting too big and so, well, I dumped her in the loch. I feel pretty awful about it now. Anyway, if you ever want to get her to come to the surface, two words: Cap'n Crunch. She. Loves. It.

Greg said...

I brought her with us. Poor Nessie, I changed her gender there for a second. Thank God she can't read. And I don't think there's any internet access at the bottom of the loch anyway.

bill r. said...

Greg, if you don't have an amulet or goblet or medallion or blessed sword, how do you expect to defeat the gnomes?? Just because you're tough?? That's crazy talk!!

Greg said...

Maybe Nessie can help, if she's not mad at me for dumping her in the loch.

Rick Olson said...

When the gnomes come, I'm gonna be ready. I have Mutual of Omaha's gnome insurance, I've been paying on it for years, and those assholes are finally gonna pay up.

I'll be rich!

bill r. said...

Nessie will help no one now, Greg. She's gone from loving pet to seeing all humans as meat bags. So good job on that one.

So, Rick, you'll be rich and the rest of us will be dead. You sicken me.

Rick Olson said...

I do have that effect on people.

Greg said...

Mutual of Omaha means people you can count on when the gnomes invade.

Rick you sicken me too. Just an FYI.

Greg said...

Whaaaaa!? Where's the writer/actor post? I was on a roll with those comments! The Mark Twain thing and the magic lantern and the vector calculus.

Come back writer post, come back!

Hey, you know what you should do? A post on writers who become actors, so I can comment on it.

bill r. said...

Sorry, I was adding an update, to point out my stupidity, and I had to save it for a while, which took it off the page. It's back, as you can see.

11 said...

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22 said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.