Saturday, May 7, 2016

Night is a Place for Gun Killings: A New Detective Mystery

Chapter 1

Dennis the hero detective got on a plane to go to Los Angeles California. He hated it. "What a bad city," he goes in his mind. "It is all full of Whore-ly-weird stars and terrible tales! It is a place where the innocent go to eat a pound of sin, an act which they die from!" But Dennis went anyway because the other day, like a day or two ago, like Wednesday or Thursday, he was in his office, sitting there at a desk with a newspaper. He read the paper thinking "Oh jeez. A baby got killed by a criminal. Why is this in the WORLD???" He screamed that last word. What a good point, too.

Then a guy came into the office. He had a great jacket, it was gray. His whole deal was like a car made it. What a situation this guy was. Dennis was all "The bank is downstairs, buddy." But the rich "bub" answered back, check this out: "No this is where I'd like to be."

Dennis spit out his apple juice. What?? "Okay sire," he goes. "Tell me what you need."

The guy says "My name is Hertford Longk." Dennis sniffed with derision. He knew all about the Longks. "And I am so rich I could buy eight sandwiches and twelve music records and I wouldn't even know it. How much would that cost? No money. It's just records and sandwiches. Listen to me, Mr. Detective" Hertford Longk sneered, "I have all the sandwiches and music records I need."

Dennis in his brain thought 'That's true. Hertford Longk has so many boats. When I got to the docks to drink my special hard booze, which is first you get a glass and you fill it half with milks, then you put a bunch of cinnamon in there, and then boy when you add that hot apple liqueur, it certainly becomes Christmas in my mind, it's my favorite time of year, no question, although I also like Halloween, and when it's Halloween you can actually do the same drink, you don't have to change it, but if you go to the Dollar Store they have plastic cups with spiders and things on them, and you can put the drink in those, and that makes it even tougher because you're drinking a booze in a glass about death. So when I'm at the boats drinking my Spooky Apple Cider, I sometimes see Herford Longk and he's just lookin at boats, like 'I love my boats.' I always knew he was a corrupt official."

Then in Dennis's office Hertford Longk says "My daughter, she is a missing person. Here is a picture of her."

Dennis took the picture. The girl in the picture looked as though her hair was made of not just any butter, but specifically yellow sunshine butter, and her lips were all red like sex organs. Additionally, the picture included information pertaining to her boobs, and Dennis thought "Oh brother, here we go."

Hertford Longk say "She is my daughter Petulia. She has gone missing. We are in New York City right now but Petulia has gone to California, in my opinion."

"How old is she?" Dennis went.

"She is only nineteen years old," said Hertford, "And I th--"

"Hoo buddy, nineteen?" screamed Dennis. "Boy oh boy. Nineteen. Yee-hee-eesh."

"And I think sire," Hertford kept going, "that she has been taken over by a 'movie man.'"

Dennis suddenly spit out his Sprite from 1940.

"Wait..." he said. "Do you mean a Hollywood movie man???" He was so curious about this.

"Yes," said Longk. "A movie man. You will need to go to get on a plane to a Hollywood place in L.A, California. It is not Manhattan, Queens, NY." Hertford Longk looked at Dennis with the eye of a piece of shit bunny rabbit: "Can you do that sire??"

Dennis said "Oh ha ha I sure can, let's shake on it!" It was the toughest thing he'd ever done.

Chapter 2

When Dennis landed in his plane on the ground of "L. Angelo, CalifornStar," as they call it there, even the plane people were like "Do you have a movie, do you have a movie, do you have a movie?" Dennis couldn't believe it! These people only cared about if if you have a movie! It reminded him of drugs.

He got in cab and said to the guy "Take me to movies" but the guy goes "Ha ha you are a tourist!" and drove him not to movies, only near them. Dennis punched the man to death. Then he went to a bar and said "I need to relax. Give me a whole bottle of coffee." A whole bottle of coffee was given to him, "California style". Dennis looked at a newspaper while thinking "Where is she where is she where is she." Then a guy at the bar goes "Who are you lookin for, funbuddy?"

Dennis grinned. The guy had said the best friend word which was "funbuddy." Even if he didn't know about crime, he would be a nice man to talk to!

Dennis went "What is your name funbuddy?"

The guy's like "Gene."

Dennis is all "Can I buy you some sherbet?"

This is Gene about sherbet: "Oh yum yum yum! Gimme all that sherbet!"

Dennis ordered delicious sweet sherbet for Gene and another bottle of coffee but this time with wine, beer, sherbet, and watermelon vodka in it for himself. This drink is called a "Morning Rendezvous" and Dennis pretty much made it up himself. You can find it in booze bars if you ask.

Then Dennis showed Gene the picture of Petulia and says "Have you seen this?" but Gene says "Oh no, oh no, I ain't seen that girl, oh heck no, I don't even know what a lady is! I am lonely!"

Dennis smashed the guy with his half-a-pineapple. "YOU KNOW WHERE SHE GOES AT!" Dennis roared. "SHE IS A LADY IN MOVIES! BAD MOVIES!"

Gene said "Hey wow woops sheesh, owch" that's how hard that pineapple was hitting him. Then he goes "What kind of bad movies?"

Dennis went "You know what kind...the bad kind." Then Dennis's voice was low and hoarse and gravelly and knowing and sad. He's like "You know there are girls. Girls from a farm. In the farm is a cow and a horse and the girl I'm referring to pets a horse and pets a cow. It is innocence. And the girl take her biscuit and her corn and she go into a pond of not just anything, but a pond of water. And she eat her biscuit in the sunshine. The sunshine is like a heaven of god. The corn is also like a heaven of god. Then her brother Goofbo bring her a skillet of beans. Those skillet of beans are like a biscuit of sunshine."

Gene was totally crying.

Dennis said "Are you her brother?"

Gene said "No. Goofbo has died in a log accident. But I know where Petulia is."

"WHERE??????????" Dennis thundered.

Gene was like a little ball of shit, or not, like a kitten, or no...he was like, I guess he was in a chair. Gene was in a chair and he said "Genesis Pictures! She's under contract!"

Then Dennis began to laugh.

"Genesis Pictures?" goes Dennis. "I guess everything bad will happen!"

And with that terrifying premonition, Dennis went to a famous burger place, the kind of burger place you can only find in Lots Angular, and he bought like literally eighteen "cheese"burgers. A "cheese" burger is a kind of sandwich you can only find in "El Lay" and what you do is, okay, listen: you take a meat. You make sure the meat is okay. Then you put the meat on a pan. Good. Then you take a bun and on that bun you put a walnut "ketchup." There are many kinds of ketchup. Now that your burgered meat is ready is it pink enough? Great. Put it on the walnut ketchup. The only thing now to do is dump a bunch of dry macaroni onto whatever you are eating. Put it on your meated burger. Put it on your plate of sauce. Do you have a sweat poatot pastat? That is good now. Put it on a plate.

Dennis punched Gene's teeth.

Chapter 3

Dennis went to Genesis Pictures. It was a big studio and he knew all about it. They had made No More Please and Down a Street is a Whole Dame and The World of a Christ: Bible and Herntf Blerntf and The Floating Cavalcade of DinoCars. All the best movies. So much art  Too many Oscar times to even count. How Could Petulia be caught up with these great artistic total weirdos?

He went to the guard and said "Take me to Randy Genesis, I am a private detective."

The guy went "We don't got nothin about you here tonight you piece of garbage monster."

Dennis goes "Tell him Hertford Longk sent me."

Then the guard's like "Wooooweeewoooo!" and he danced around like a cute baby. Then he let Dennis in.

The main guy at Genesis Pictures was a guy called Rorstein O'Genesisberg. Everybody knew that. He was a big fat guy who had a big glass of apple juice in his hand and a plate full of pizza. Oh God, thought Dennis, I will never be so "rich" as they say!

"What can I do for you!" yelled Rorstein.

Dennis took out his picture of Petulia.

"Her!" he shrieked! "Where is her!"

Rorstein took the picture. He stared all at it.

"I have seen her," he said with so much sadness. "She was going to be in our movies." His eyes became like apple juice. "Can't you see her? She would be a star! She would be in all our star movies. She would be in Look Out, Town! and Panther on the Balcony and Newspapers for Sure! and Boat into the Mouth of Hell and Jungle Cindy: Leave Me Be and Jungle Cindy: Appalachian Roundabout. She could have been the star of forever!!!"

Dennis choked on his glass of water with a splash of beer that the lady who worked there brought him.

"Then what happened?" he asked.

"Then???" yelped Rorstein. "Then she got taken up...she got taken up bad..."

"By whom???" Dennis had never been more angry.

Rorstein sipped his whiskey which also had in it chocolate syrup and cloves and it was mostly ice. "By Yantlo Romblo...:

Dennis spit out his water and beer and threw the glass on the ground. "Tell me about him you jerk!!!"

Rorstein flinched like a cat when you, well, not when you light a match, because if you have cats yourself you'll know that sometimes it's hard to get close enough to them to light a match if you want to scare them that way (which I would never do!) but if you want to startle them up close, I mean...I don't know, it seems mean, but if they trust you enough to get close to your face, you, you know what? This is mean. I'm not going to do this.

So Rorstein said "I once saw him eat a dog. He was like 'I like the taste.'"

Dennis couldn't believe the kind of evil he was facing. He went "Jeez louise! This fellow sounds like a total human prince!"

He punched his fist into Rorstein. Rorstein said "If you want to find him you should go to the Turtle Club. They have pizza there."

Dennis gasped. Pizza???

Chapter 4

Dennis went to the Turtle Club. All the stars where at that place: Johnny Jones, Lady Lornams, Glenton Cardborax, Flennison Von Shorntown. All the best stars! Including Pulix Montsammory, Billing Tershtorion, Mandice Lassintrolph...the best of all acting celebrities. Even directors such as Farpchance Merchporliance and Wanfgown Sorkblownce. What a magnificent parade of the stars.

But Dennis only wanted one of the celebrity guys. He only wanted Yantlo Romblo.

So he goes into the place and there's so much rich people eating their "chicken" and their "salad." Dennis screamed "I am coming for you, Yantlo Romblo!"

All the stars in the Turtle Club dropped their pizza. It had pepperonis on it. They all looked at Dennis.

Yantlo Romblo had a lady and he was going to do things to her that is like if you were you, okay, but, listen, the kind of thing YOU would do isn't good. You should not. But here is Dennis. Now Dennis turned to Billing Tershtorion. "Are you married?"

Billing Tershtorion said "Yes I am. I am married to Wanfgown Sorkblownce."

"Okay," said Dennis. "What if you were eating some great delicious pizza but then that pizza turned out to be Wanfgown Sorkblownce??"

"Sire!" cried Billing Tershtorion, "this is the Turtle Club! You have no place to talk to me about things in the realm of this! Police! Police! Arrest the shirted man!"

But Dennis was already running. None of the "rich-o's" would help him. But there were stairs that went up so he just kept going up them and then there was a door and then he opened it and there was Yantlo Romblo, and Petulia was there, too!

Dennis point his gun at Yantlo.

"WHY YANTLO???" he shrieked

Yantlo was all twitchy.

"Because mother and father," he went, "and soft blankets and spiders in my hair and I just want to touch a soft blanky movies movies movies, my mother and father put cracked mirrors in my room and they drank and--"

Dennis shot him through one of his eyes. Petulia, who was pretty much naked, ran to him. Dennis put his hand on her butt.

"Ssh, quiet," he said. because she was crying a lot. "Seriously shut up."

Chapter 5

Dennis took Petulia back to her dad, Hertford Longk. Her dad got out of the car at the street next to the poor building where Dennis lived.

Her dad said "Thank you Dennis. You saved my daughter from a movie."

Dennis said "Did I?"

Hertford Longk said "Yes."

Then Dennis is like "Keep your money!" and he tore up the check!

The rich dad spit out his apple juice in a rage and drove away with his daughter. What a world of sadness.

1 comment:

Paddy said...

Your really made this world alive for me! Thank for writing! Keep on writing more styles!