Wednesday, July 22, 2009

They Were Five Ordinary Guinea Pigs

So what? Guinea pigs are everywhere. I can't walk down the street without kicking several of them with my boots. Why should I pay my hard-earned money to see a movie about ordinary guinea pigs, no matter how three dimensional the presentation? What could possibly happen to five ordinary guinea pigs that could make a film about their lives worth even a minute of my time? Because frankly, I'm fed up with non-sassy talking animals. If they can't show me some urban attitude, while simultaneously anthropomorphizing all of our universal foibles, then why are they even talking? I was at the zoo last week, and I saw this zebra. The zebra was watching this human couple on the other side of his pen having a fight, and the woman was getting all mad, and she said, "Well you can just let her learn to make an omelette!" And then she threw her soda at the guy. So I'm watching the zebra, because I want to hear the zebra say, "Oh no she didn't!" or "They should see my therapist!" If I'd said something like that, or some other human passer-by had, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But to hear a zebra say it, well, that would have made my week. I mean, because he's a zebra. So I'm waiting, and I'm watching the zebra, and then the zebra looks at me, and he says, "Shit. Why have that conversation in public? Wait until you're in the car, at least."

I was like, "Oh, fuck you, zebra!" and I stomped off. I was so angry. So what I'm saying is, these "five ordinary guinea pigs" don't sound like my idea of a good time at the movies, unless they have something more to offer that I'm not aware of.

Oh...oh my! Eight tickets please!!


Marilyn said...

Watch Dr. Phil if you want that kind of action, Bill. Of course, he just tells everyone to get a job, so that might not be too interesting. I think the zebra was right-on; imagine what he sees in a day!

Greg said...

I used to have a guinea pig. I loved it dearly. I will never see this reeking piece of shit. And you're not alone, zebras piss me off ALL THE TIME!

bill r. said...

Marilyn - Dr. Phil says "Oh no she didn't" to people?? Awesome! I shall start watching at once!

I'm sure the zebra sees all sorts of crazy things. That's part of what bothered me about him. Wouldn't he have both the experience and the time to come up with something really funny to say -- like "Don't go there!" -- if all he's doing is watching people all day? I don't go to the zoo to hear zebras talk all mopey and shit. I want some zing!

Greg, I'm sure you can back me up on this.

I never had a guinea pig, but there was one in my kindergarten class, and every couple of weeks a different kid would get to take him home and take care of him for a while. When my turn came around, the period of time when I would have the guinea pig included my birthday, and on that day, the guinea pig bit me. Drew blood, too.

Marilyn said...

You know, Bill, the zebra isn't there for your entertainment. Um, wait, is that right? Why do we lock up wild animals? Fun! Yes, fun! Zebra totally in the wrong. I'd say the confinement made him a little grumpy, but I've met them in the wild, and they're not much better.

bill r. said...

Zebras are just plain rude, and not very entertaining. Really, that's the core message of this post.

Fox said...

Well... at least Zack Galifianakis and Will Arnet are in the movie!!

My wife and my niece (odd pairing of ages there, no?) can't stop talking about this movie mainly for the part in the trailer where the one "G" says "Poop in his hand! Poop in his hand!!".

I kinda can't blame them.