They Were Five Ordinary Guinea Pigs

So what? Guinea pigs are everywhere. I can't walk down the street without kicking several of them with my boots. Why should I pay my hard-earned money to see a movie about ordinary guinea pigs, no matter how three dimensional the presentation? What could possibly happen to five ordinary guinea pigs that could make a film about their lives worth even a minute of my time? Because frankly, I'm fed up with non-sassy talking animals. If they can't show me some urban attitude, while simultaneously anthropomorphizing all of our universal foibles, then why are they even talking? I was at the zoo last week, and I saw this zebra. The zebra was watching this human couple on the other side of his pen having a fight, and the woman was getting all mad, and she said, "Well you can just let her learn to make an omelette!" And then she threw her soda at the guy. So I'm watching the zebra, because I want to hear the zebra say, "Oh no she didn't!" or "They should see my therapist!" If I'd said something like that, or some other human passer-by had, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But to hear a zebra say it, well, that would have made my week. I mean, because he's a zebra. So I'm waiting, and I'm watching the zebra, and then the zebra looks at me, and he says, "Shit. Why have that conversation in public? Wait until you're in the car, at least."

I was like, "Oh, fuck you, zebra!" and I stomped off. I was so angry. So what I'm saying is, these "five ordinary guinea pigs" don't sound like my idea of a good time at the movies, unless they have something more to offer that I'm not aware of.

Oh...oh my! Eight tickets please!!