The Great Last Lines In Literature: A Quiz

We all like to read. We love great books, and we love great language that makes our hearts soar and ponder the human condition. We love books with great points that are relatable. But the best thing about a great book is usually its ending. All the great classics have great endings. But can you remember them? Let's say, for instance, I were to give you a series of great endings to read. Could you name the novel just reading their endings? Well if you think you're such a big deal, let's put that to the test. Or should I say, to the quiz??? Below you'll find just such a collection of classic novel endings. Read them, and in the comments give me your answers. The first person to get them all right wins a bucket of grade-A shrimp!

Man

A)

"Do you know what I think, Nick Carraway?" she asked me.

"What's that, Daisy Buchanan?" I replied

"I think it's true what they say: the sun also rises!"

Then we started doing it.

B)

"Well, you're safe now, my lad!" boomed the captain. "That whale almost got you!"

"Yes, thank you, guv'nah! Arrr!" said I. "But you must tell me, just what is the name of that terrifying whale??"

"Why, matey, that was the famous Moby-Dick!"

I spit out my Coke. What a name for a whale! I was pretty surprised.

C)

"Upon further consideration, I'm glad I failed," said Atticus.

D)

And just like that I decided I wasn't going to burn any more books. I thought a fireman should put out fires, personally. I turned in my letter of resignation after lunch. Captain Beatty said "I'm sorry to see you go. You are very good at burning books. But listen, good luck, okay?" When I left I was pretty scared, though, because now I didn't have a job.

E)

By this point, all the pigs could talk. So could the cows and the horses and all the other animals on the farm. Sheepy Sheeplin noticed that they just kept fighting each other and the pigs, especially, were getting to be a bit much. He turned to Lamby Sheepbo and said "Can you fuckin' believe this?"

F)

"Why hello, madam, would you like to dance to the music of time with me?"

"Fuck off."

"No, you fuck off!"

G)

Joe Christmas ate the Southern chew-leaves in the heat of the heavy curtains. There was a violence of fury among the travelling men through the slats of the weedy yard-fence. Joe Christmas spat in a rage, his spit a whole hot universe. "Okay," he said to the old man who dripped sweat like a Civil War Bible, "just do me a favor -- leave my balls alone." The old man said "No chance."

H)

While his wife Molly masturbated, Leopold Bloom took a long hot shit.

Quiz? Quiz!

Dennis Cozzalio whipped up another one of his quizzes. Here are the answers.

1) The classic movie moment everyone loves except me is:

The Passion of Joan of Arc. It’s dumb as fuck.

2) Favorite line of dialogue from a film noir

“So that’s why ya killed her, is it?? Why you!” from Deadly Street Nights

3) Second favorite Hal Ashby film

Samurai Champloo

4) Describe the moment when you first realized movies were directed as opposed to simply pieced together anonymously.

The part in Touch of Evil with that big long shot at the beginning, when the camera pans by Orson Welles sitting in his director’s chair, winking and giving the “A-OK!” sign.

5) Favorite film book

Films In the Dark: American Cinema from September 1982 – April 1983: What Movies Say About You, Specifically by Rodney Smitch

6) Diana Sands or Vonetta McGee?

If Holden Caulfield married Vonetta McGee, his name would be Holden McGee. Wait, that doesn’t mean anything.

7) Most egregious gap in your viewing of films made in the past 10 years

Fart Movie

8) Favorite line of dialogue from a comedy

“If that’s your poop, then what did my doctor just eat!?” from Poop Movie

9) Second favorite Lloyd Bacon film

Whence Flew the Albatross?

10) Richard Burton or Roger Livesey?

Have you guys heard my Richard Burton impersonation? Check it out: “Humph humph humph! I’m gonna punch your face, buddy! Humph humph humph!”

11) Is there a movie you staunchly refuse to consider seeing? If so, why?

Make Way for Tomorrow, because I was in the video store years ago, and I was talking to the guy who ran the place, and I said “So have you seen anything good lately?” and he said “Make Way for Tomorrow is really good,” and I said “Oh yeah? What is that, sci-fi? Bunch of lasers and such?” He said “No, actually, it’s a pretty heartbreaking story about this elderly couple who, because of various financial and familial influences…” But I cut him off right there, because I thought I could guess, and I said “And they travel into the future? And before the old guy hits the button that goes BEEP BOOP BEEP and sends them into the time-hole, he goes ‘Okay Gladys, here we go…make way for tomorrow!” But the guy goes, “No, it’s not…” and I went “Do you see the old lady’s tits at all?” He’s like “What? No. Who are – “ “Save me the chin music, Frances,” I go, “If there’s no tits and no time explosions then fuck all y’all!” Then I stormed out. I was soooo mad, you guys.

12) Favorite filmmaker collaboration

The classic grindhouse duo Hanch Furnbee and Dornis O’Horke. Best movie they made together: Don’t Answer My Question!

13) Most recently viewed movie on DVD/Blu-ray/theatrical?

Poop Movie on DVD, then again on Blu-ray, where it really pops. In theaters: Amour

14) Favorite line of dialogue from a horror movie

“I’m afraid you guessed correctly, my poor little mouse. You see, I am a mummy! GRRRRRRRRRR!” – from The Mummy’s Thigh

15) Second favorite Oliver Stone film

I Will Cart My Dick Around in a Wheelbarrow Without Even Being Asked To

16) Eva Mendes or Raquel Welch?

Ha ha ha aw yeah dude

17) Favorite religious satire

Gator

18) Best Internet movie argument? (question contributed by Tom Block)

“I think There Will Be Blood is real good.” “Did you see it in Cannes?” “No.” “I did. It’s not the same movie if you don’t know that Gilles Jacob is within at least a couple hundred yards of the theater. It’s as if a certain magic has been lost.” “Why are you such a fucking piece of shit?” And so on. I’m not going to type out the whole thing.

19) Most pointless Internet movie argument? (question contributed by Tom Block)

“here is some start wars opinon” “ur opin ion about start wars yoda is a dum one” “why dont u dumb ur face up ur ass hole” “that is something like wat jart jart bankes would say” “u wish” “u wish u were hant solor but u ar not as cool but i am hant solor pew pew pew” “that is no how phaser blast soun like they r like this proo proo proo i jus kild jart jart bankes” “u son of a bich” etc.

20) Charles McGraw or Robert Ryan?

My last name is Ryan too.

21) Favorite line of dialogue from a western

“Are those cows? Cows are everywhere out here in the West. God bless this land. This shall be our home.” from No Longer the East

22) Second favorite Roy Del Ruth film

Twice a Woman, Once a Cop

23) Relatively unknown film or filmmaker you’d most eagerly proselytize for

You’ve probably never heard of it.

24)Ewan McGregor or Gerard Butler?

Neither one. The sooner Scotland crumbles into Hell, the better. Who’s with me?

25) Is there such a thing as a perfect movie?

A perfect movie needs the eleven Bs: blood, boobs, barking (I like dogs, but mainly in the distance, not up close), Bakersfield (California, I’ve heard it’s nice), barns, Baal (a lesser demon), boos (scares!), blares (trumpets!), bleats (sheep!), bosses (entrepreneurs!) and BONES, if you know what I mean (skeletons).

26) Favorite movie location you’ve most recently had the occasion to actually visit

The planet Earth. That’s where they filmed most of Poop Movie.

27) Second favorite Delmer Daves film

Hawmps!

28) Name the one DVD commentary you wish you could hear that, for whatever reason, doesn't actually exist

I’d like one for Playtime where Jacques Tati says things like “And this was the first day of filming,” and Jean Badal says “No, this was day three.” But Tati is insistent this was the first day of filming! Those two in a room together, just magic.

29) Gloria Grahame or Marie Windsor?

Ha ha I get what you are going for with this one! Up top!

30) Name a filmmaker who never really lived up to the potential suggested by their early acclaim or success

Srdjan Spasojevic

31) Is there a movie-based disagreement serious enough that it might cause you to reevaluate the basis of a romantic relationship or a friendship?

Don’t like Summer Rental? I will no-fooling murder you with a shovel, dickface.

Quizmaster Go*

Dennis Cozzalio, the bastard, has done it again. Take the quiz yourself, or beat the shit out of me because you think my answers are "all faggy". The choice is yours.

* * * * *

1) Depending on your mood, your favorite or least-loved movie cliché

I can’t think of one that might be one or the other, depending on mood. I either like them or I don’t. One I don’t like is “Do you think this is a game??” I also don’t like its brother “What’re you gonna do, shoot me?”

2) Regardless of whether or not you eventually caught up with it, which film classic have you lied about seeing in the past?

I have never done this.

3) Roland Young or Edward Everett Horton?

I know Horton’s work better, but I do like the fact that Young played Uriah Heep in Cukor's David Copperfield (which I haven't seen).

4) Second favorite Frank Tashlin movie

I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure yet, unless you count a barely remembered viewing of The Lemon Drop Kid when I was very young.

5) A Clockwork Orange-- yes or no?

Yes, of course. It’s flawed, and possibly contradicts itself by seeming exploitative in a way that Burgess’s novel is careful not to be, and I would even go so far as to say that it’s been overrated in the Kubrick canon – hell, it even has my least favorite moment from any of his films (the sped up sex scene). But it’s still complex, funny, chilling, invigorating, and McDowell is undeniable.

6) Best/favorite use of gender dysphoria in a horror film (Ariel Schudson)

Psycho III.

7) Melanie Laurent or Blake Lively?
That’s not really a question, is it?

8) Best movie of 2011 (so far…)

I offer this with the caveat that I’ve seen astonishingly few, but 13 Assassins.

9) Favorite screen performer with a noticeable facial deformity (Peg Aloi)

Stacy Keach. And I obviously mean Stacy Keach without the mustache. When he has a mustache he’s clearly not deformed anymore.

10) Lars von Trier: shithead or misunderstood comic savant? (Dean Treadway)

Neither. Or both. He’s definitely a shithead, and he was also definitely joking, anyway. They weren’t good jokes, but the number of fainting couches that had to be hauled out of storage was more than a little bit much. It was fucking stupid, in fact. There is a certain segment of the world’s population whose Outrage-o-Meters are in dire need of recalibration.

11) Timothy Carey or Henry Silva?

Both? Why not both?

12) Low-profile writer who deserves more attention from critics and /or audiences

Screenwriter, I assume you mean. Well, hm. Most good mainstream Hollywood screenwriters have a tendency to peak very sharply and then virtually disappear – see Steve Zaillian or Paul Attanasio, for example – but in my experience they generally at least get their day in the spotlight. “Spotlight” in this context being very relative, of course, and compared to that shared by the people who say the screenwriter’s words out loud tends to look more like a booklight. But they get noticed, is my point. Outside of that world…well, hm. I’d have to go with the Hammer/Amicus guys from the 1950s and 60s, guys like Barré Lyndon or Milton Subotsky or Jimmy Sangster. They could put together a 90-minute story of suspense and horror that never cheated the viewer, and kept its heart pumping and brain whirring at full capacity from beginning to end. They were pros, and boy should the horror screenwriters of today be ashamed at the mention of their names.

13) Movie most recently viewed theatrically, and on DVD, Blu-ray or streaming

Theatrically: Oh, man, I think it’s The Fighter. What’s wrong with me?

DVD: The Devil’s Chair, a pretty lousy horror film whose tagline should be “Pleased With Itself So You Don’t Have to Be”

Streaming: The New York Ripper

14) Favorite film noir villain

I bet you get a lot of “Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death” for this question, but I’ve always thought Widmark was much better than the evil clownish mugging he brought to that film, effective though it may be. I also tend to be fond of noirs where the hero is the villain, like Van Heflin in The Prowler, or anyway the lead, like Arthur Franz in The Sniper. But of the more traditional, Tommy Udo-like villains, I have to go with Eli Wallach’s utterly terrific work in Don Siegal’s The Lineup (where frankly Wallach shows Widmark how psychotic should be done) or Jose Ferrer in Whirlpool. Those characters are fully, magnificently, consciously evil, especially Ferrer, and the films ride on their shoulders.

Special mention goes to Richard Basehart in He Walked By Night, for sheer cold-bloodedness.

15) Best thing about streaming movies

Well, if not for streaming I wouldn’t have been able to watch The New York Ripper without buying it, but that’s maybe both a plus and a minus.

16) Fay Spain or France Nuyen? (Peter Nellhaus)

17) Favorite Kirk Douglas film that isn’t called Spartacus (Peter Nellhaus)

Well, it wouldn’t have been Spartacus even if Spartacus hadn’t been eliminated. However, it would be, and is, Paths of Glory. Douglas made a lot of movies I would count among my favorites, but he was never better than here. “And you can go to hell before I apologize to you now or ever again!” is one of the great line deliveries of all time.

18) Favorite movie about cars

Two-Lane Blacktop. I watched this a few years back fully expecting to either hate it’s gimmicky hippie-ness, or simply be bored stupid, because I am in no way a car guy. But I loved it. There is something at once genuine and ethereal about it, and primally gripping. And, and, I don’t think I’ve ever seen night-time look so night-like as it does here. An astonishing movie that I’m very eager to watch again.

19) Audrey Totter or Marie Windsor?

Windsor. She was my kinda gal.

20) Existing Stephen King movie adaptation that could use an remake/reboot/overhaul
I feel like Pet Sematary, faithful as the adaptation was, got the shaft a little bit. It’s such a gut-punch of a novel, but the film exists on that King-film assembly line, which was powered by a creative philosophy of “We’re making this one now”. Even so, I don’t think that would be my choice. It wouldn’t be Thinner either, although that’s a terrible film, and in the book King makes the ridiculous-seeming premise work by going for straightforward pulp thrills. I suppose what I wouldn’t mind seeing is a filmmaker pick up the short story “Lawnmower Man”, read it, like more than just the title, and say “You know what? Fuck it. I’m doing this.” Whether anyone would give him money to do this is another question, but I’d like to see it.

21) Low-profile director who deserves more attention from critics and/or audiences

Joe Swanberg. No, I’m just kidding. Fuck that guy.

22) What actor that you previously enjoyed has become distracting or a self-parody? (Adam Ross)

Kevin Spacey. That dude has one level, maybe one and a half, and he’s very good at playing it, but I sort of don’t really care if I never see it again.

23) Best place in the world to see a movie

My place. Come on over, why don’t you!

24) Charles McGraw or Sterling Hayden?

Charles McGraw’s real name was “Charles Butters”. You know what Sterling Hayden’s real name was? "Sterling Motherfucking Hayden".

25) Second favorite Yasujiro Ozu film

Thank God I’ve seen enough Ozu now to answer this! And that answer is Good Morning. If you’d asked me before I put in the DVD “Hey, how many fart jokes do you think Good Morning has?”, I would have said “Zero.” I would have been wrong.

26) Most memorable horror movie father figure

Telly Savalas in Lisa and the Devil.

27) Name a non-action-oriented movie that would be fun to see in Sensurround (Sal Gomez)

The Passion of Joan of Arc. See, because it’s a silent movie. Oh yeah, well why don't you go to hell!?

28) Chris Evans or Ryan Reynolds?

Evans. I have nothing against Reynolds, really, but I actually think Evans has something more to offer than we’ve seen. I really liked him in Sunshine. And wait, haven’t you asked this before? At least, haven’t you paired Evans up with somebody before? Because I was about to go into why I liked him in Sunshine, and I realized I’d already answered this. What’s going on here? I don’t feel well all of a sudden. I think I’m freaking out.

29) Favorite relatively unknown supporting player, from either or both the classic and the modern era

It’s hard to know quite how to define “relatively unknown” here, but I bet I have a whole lot of answers for you. Bokeem Woodbine (for the way he says “Get on my body” to William H. Macy and then later discusses to origin of mankind with him in Edmond), Elias Koteas for everything ever, Catherine Lacy for The Sorcerers, Joe Turkel, John Mahoney, lots and lots more I could name if I wasn’t trying to think of them…

30) Real-life movie location you most recently visited or saw

Does “New York” count?

31) Second favorite Budd Boetticher movie

Ride Lonesome. The Tall T takes the top spot.

32) Mara Corday or Julie Adams?

33) Favorite Universal-International western

Winchester ’73. It’s probably been too long since I watched it for me to honestly count that as my favorite, but I strongly suspect that once I rewatch it, my opinion will hold strong.

34) Favorite actress of the silent era

Janet Gaynor, maybe. Honestly, the only reason I’m not saying Maria Falconetti is because I used her movie as a joke earlier.

35) Best Eugene Pallette performance (Larry Aydlette)

God…I know him, but not well enough to answer this. I’m sorry everybody…

36) Best/worst remake of the 21st century so far? (Dan Aloi)

The Wicker Man is such an easy choice, but it’s also pretty unforgivable (fascinating though its existence is). Also bad, though, is The Crazies, which has somehow tricked people into liking it. Another bad one is pretty much all the rest of them. Among the best are Let Me In and The Wolfman. But you know which one also isn’t bad, for a simple Sunday afternoon? House of Wax. Forget that that….thing is in it. Just give it a look – it’s sort of fun.

37) What could multiplex owners do right now to improve the theatrical viewing experience for moviegoers? What could moviegoers do?

Multiplex owners could hand me a roast beef sandwich, a Fresca, and a sack of money as soon as I sit down. Moviegoers could shut their fucking mouths.

*That's Japanese for "five", just so you know.

Quizmaster Quatre

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So Dennis Cozzalio put up one of those quizzes again, and since everybody else has already done it but me, I figured now the time was ripe for me to step in and show all you hosers how we take quizzes 'round these parts. With pictures.

1) Best Movie of 2010

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Carlos.

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2) Second-favorite Roman Polanski Movie

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Chinatown. The more I see it, the more I realize that Rosemary's Baby really is just about flawless, and certain things -- such as Cassavetes' performance -- just get better and better as the years go on. Second best between Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby is kind of a silly thing to try to figure out, though.
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3) Jason Statham or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

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Oh, don't make me choose! Okay, Statham, because I have liked a few of his movies. The Bank Job, The Expendables, and so on. Not Crank, though. I do not literally wish death on Neveldine and Taylor, but I certainly do figuratively wish death on them.

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4) Favorite movie that could be classified as a genre hybrid

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Ah, why is this one so hard!! All I can think of are things like Event Horizon, which are like horror movies but in space! And on that same note, I'd rather not choose something as easy as Alien.
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While neither is my favorite, I will put in a good word for Eastwood's two "supernatural" Westerns, High Plains Drifter and Pale Rider -- there aren't enough strange Westerns out there, and Eastwood, the classicist, has made two.

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5) How important is foreknowledge of a film’s production history? Should it factor into one’s reaction to a film?

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It's not remotely important. It can be interesting, but it's meaningless when it comes to how the film effects me. I'm sick of people who hate Spielberg trying to take Jaws away from him by saying "You know, he wanted to show the shark a lot more!" Yeah, well, I want to punch your teeth out; I should still get credit for not doing so.

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6) William Powell & Myrna Loy or Cary Grant & Irene Dunne

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I've decided to not actually admit to any shortcomings in this particular quiz, because it's become too much an embarrassment -- practically its own feature -- over the years. So I'm going to answer this question by simply saying that I really like Cary Grant a whole lot.
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7) Best Actor of 2010

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Based on what I've seen, Edgar Ramirez.

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8) Most important lesson learned from the past decade of watching movies

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That while I may be an ass man, everybody who makes movies is super into boobs.
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9) Last movie seen (DVD/Blu-ray/theater)

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DVD was The Return of Doctor X, which was a delight in many ways. Bogart's one horror film and it took me until just last night to finally watch it, but Bogart sure did the job asked of him, and it would have been really interesting to see more in this genre from him. Although, I have a vague memory of reading something about him not much liking this kind of film, so I guess it wasn't to be, at least not once he became a star.

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In the theater it was True Grit. I've mentioned this film around here before.

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10) Most appropriate punishment for director Tom Six

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You want me to say that I think he should be forced to eat shit out of somebody's ass, don't you? Well, I'm not going to do it.
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11) Best under-the-radar movie almost no one else has had the chance to see

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I never see movies before anyone else has had a chance to see them.
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12) Sheree North or Angie Dickinson

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Angie Dickinson. She has movies like Rio Bravo in her past, and plus she looks like she...like she knows how to do...things.

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13) Favorite nakedly autobiographical movie

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Fitzcarraldo. Or Stardust Memories.
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14) Movie which best evokes a specific real-life place

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It would have to be one I've been to, yes? Otherwise, how would I know? And it has been my misfortune, I guess, to never really see any of the places I've lived or visited depicted on screen in a way that fully evoked my own experiences. Certainly, the big city I know best, Washington, DC, is always depicted as That Place That Has the Washington Monument In It, and little else of color or interest is given any time. However, the other night I was watching Machete, and a couple of times I thought, "Hey, that looks like Austin." And it was!
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15) Best Director

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Olivier Assayas. I'm sounding like a broken record here, but Carlos defeats all comers.

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16) Second-favorite Farrelly Brothers Movie

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I'm not sure I have a first-favorite Farrelly brothers movie. By and large, I think their stuff is...fine. I used to hate There's Something About Mary because the heaping piles of adulation dumped before it reaked pretty badly, but I've come around to being able to appreciate the little things -- Matt Dillon, Ben Stiller saying "He told me it was against the law" -- but it's still not my idea of a great comedy, or a great anything. I tend to enjoy their forgotten films, like Shallow Hal and Stuck on You, a bit more than the ones people ever bother talking about, but even then I'm forced to wade through vestigial tales and Cher in order to get to the stuff I like. Which, at this late date, I'm having trouble remembering. But whatever, Stuck on You, I guess.
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17) Favorite holiday movie

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I do wish my answer was more interesting, but A Christmas Story is the one true answer. It was a staple in my childhood, and to this day something seems amiss if I don't see at least half the film every Christmas. I love the setting, a suburb in the 1940s, and the sense of detail -- my dad grew up back then, and that film was like going home for him, at least in some small ways -- and, of course, Darren McGavin, who worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oil or clay.

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To give you some idea of the hold this film has on my family, for Christmas one of my brothers bought another one of my brothers a Red Ryder BB gun (75th anniversary edition), and much time was spent plunking cans that night, I can tell you. The absence of a compass in the stock or a thing which tells time was but a passing disappointment.

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18) Best Actress

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Natalie Portman.

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19) Joe Don Baker or Bo Svenson?

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Svenson as Buford Pusser -- I haven't seen Walking Tall in a long time, but by God that ending was like a kick in the teeth -- but Baker for Mitchell (Mitchell!), and for looking like Hoyt Axton's no-good brother.
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20) Of those notable figures in the world of the movies who died in 2011, name the one you’ll miss the most

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Scrolling through a few morbid lists, I'm struck again by two: Sally Menke, Quentin Tarantino's extraordinary editor, and one of my favorite charactor actors, Maury Chaykin. Chaykin's absence will be more palpable -- I recently found myself picturing him as a character in a book I'm reading -- and, as is often the case, he was never appreciated to the degree he deserved, which makes it worse. Menke's genius was more subliminal, and as she worked almost exclusively with Tarantino it will be hard to gauge her loss until he makes another film. But of course that's selfish reasoning, and both she and Chaykin are gone too soon, no matter what they did for a day job.
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21) Think of a movie with a notable musical score and describe what it might feel like without that accompaniment.

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Without Bill Conti's score, The Right Stuff would feel cold and unhappy and off-putting. With it, my heart pounds every time.
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22) Best Screenplay

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Is it really going to be Carlos again?? I think it is!!

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23) Movie You Feel Most Evangelistic About Right Now

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"Evangelical" implies, to me, a film that nobody else is particularly eager to back, at least not with my level of fervor. So with that in mind, my answer is "I don't know." I'm not feeling terribly evangelical at the moment, I guess, although of the films of 2010 the one I feel most deserves a rigorous defense against the naysayers is Shutter Island.

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24) Worst/funniest movie accent ever

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Marlene Dietrich's Cockney accent in Witness for the Prosecution. She's not playing a Cockney, but she's supposed to be a good enough mimic that she completely fools Charles Laughton. And it's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. She was like a Klingon who'd taken some ESL classes.

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25) Best Cinematography

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True Grit.
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26) Olivia Wilde or Gemma Arterton

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27) Name the three best movies you saw for the first time in 2010 (Thanks, Larry!)

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Yikes! It's times like this that I wish I kept records of this kind of thing! Which, I think it goes without saying now, I don't! But I'm pretty sure I saw Vincente Minelli's Some Came Running for the first time this year, as well as Fuller's White Dog. Oh, and Nightmare Alley! Wow, thank God I have a movie blog so that I can check such things.

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28) Best romantic movie couple of 2010

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My boot and your ass!
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29) Favorite shock/surprise ending

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Of all time, you mean? I don't know, man -- I realized in the last year that I don't really like those kinds of endings as much as I used to, as much as I might like the films to which they're attached. But I guess David Mamet's Homicide, if that even counts. I just love the dawning sense that everything he did was for nothing.

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30) Best cinematic reason to have stayed home and read a book in 2010

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Bradley Cooper. It's not like the guy was everywhere, but at some point while watching The A-Team, I realized, very quietly and without fanfare, that I really hate that motherfucker.
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31) Movies in 2011 could make me much happier if they’d only _______________

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If they'd only let some ambition into horror films. I'm tired of "That was actually pretty good" being the most enthusiastic reaction I can hope to have.

Quizmaster Drei

Though he claims to be merely the conduit of one "Professor David Huxley", I know for a fact that the man behind the latest movie quiz I've been forced to complete is none other than the Diabolical Dennis Cozzalio. The upside this time around is that it's not 95 questions long. So let's just get this over with.

1) Classic film you most want to experience that has so far eluded you.

"Eluded" how? Because it's generally unavailable, or because I just haven't seen it yet, or are you saying that you want to like the film, but don't? If the first, then, I don't know, pick one: Ulzana's Raid or Losey's The Prowler, and like that. If the second, then the list is too damn long to put here, but today I'll land on...I don't even want to say. Okay, Nosferatu. Shut up, I tried to get it from Netflix a while back, and the damn disc they had was some public domain crap, so now I have to buy it. Which is fine, I just haven't yet. And if you mean the final interpretation, then Peeping Tom. I don't really dislike it, but everybody else in the world is over the moon about it, and I'm not. I really wish I was, though.

2) Greatest Criterion DVD/Blu-ray release ever.

Jeez, I don’t know. There are some beautiful ones, ones I even own, that I haven’t gotten around to watching yet, so I can’t really comment. I can say, though, that the year that Mamet’s Homicide and Yates’s The Friends of Eddie Coyle were both released was pretty amazing. It’s like the Criterion folks said “You know what? This is Bill’s year! Come on, everybody, let’s make this a good one for him!”

3) The Big Sleep or The Maltese Falcon?

The Maltese Falcon. I like the novel better, which might well have something to do with it, and I like Spade more than I like Marlowe. It’s just a preference thing.

4) Jason Bateman or Paul Rudd?

Batemen stunned me on Arrested Development. He’d been completely off the entertainment world’s radar at the time, and his very appearance in the commercials made me wonder if the show was even worth my time. Then I started watching it, and he was outstanding – a brilliant comic actor. Then again, I feel like Rudd – who’s no slouch himself -- has better taste in movies. Bateman might be the best thing in a bad movie, while Rudd is more likely to be the best thing in a good movie. Plus, Role Models. So, Rudd.

5) Best mother/child (male or female) movie star combo.

Patty Duke and Sean Astin.

6) Who are the Robert Mitchums and Ida Lupinos among working movie actors? Do modern parallels to such masculine and no-nonsense feminine stars even exist? If not, why not?

Regarding Mitchum -- of course not. You might as well ask "Who's the new Lee Marvin?" There isn't one. And why not? You really want to know? It's because we're all sissies now! Myself included! I can barely hammer a nail, let alone run moonshine, and even though I smoke, I'm one of those guys who's regularly told "You don't look like a smoker." No, I don't -- Robert Mitchum looked like a smoker, and Lee Marvin looked like a smoker. I look like a guy who picked it up in college (which is more or less the case).

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Regarding Lupino -- also no. Part of it here (and honestly this applies to the lack of Mitchums, too), if not much or all of it, has to do with self-consciousness. Lupino, at least on screen, lacked all self-consciousness. She just was. Being no-nonsense in the way Lupino was would now require, in the minds of those who might wish to try it, a kind of slumming attitude that would just kill the whole idea. Of course, all of this makes it sound like I hate modern movies and actors and I absolutely don't; it's just that there are new priorities and attitudes about performance now. They don't make 'em like they used to, and all that.

7) Favorite Preston Sturges movie.

The Lady Eve. It has everything, by which I mean it has Barbara Stanwyck being utterly winning, and it’s damn funny, to boot.

8) Odette Yustman or Mary Elizabeth Winstead?

Ah…I haven’t seen much of either. But Winstead, I guess. She's cute.

9) Is there a movie that if you found out a partner or love interest loved (or didn't love) would qualify as a Relationship Deal Breaker?

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No, and I hate the philosophy that such things can or should be deal breakers. It requires a kind of arrogance that, even if I do possess it deep down, I try very hard to suppress, in the same way we all try to suppress unpleasant thoughts that pass unbidden through our minds. Well, okay, I guess certain things, if my "love interest" was a fan, would be hard to get past, but that would generally be because they’d indicate something more about the person, something beyond taste (and what I have in mind are things I’ve hammered on so often that I’m not going to bother listing them again). Aesthetically, though, no, I can’t think of anything. I’m lucky anyway, though, because I remember one time, waking up in the morning to find my then-girlfriend, now-wife watching Barry Lyndon, just because she was interested. She liked it, too! Unfortunately, I’ve pummeled her with movies since then, so I don’t even think she likes me anymore.

10) Favorite DVD commentary.

I don't know that I have just one. I'm a big fan of these in general, and so it's hard to narrow down, but basically any classic horror film with commentary by Steve Haberman (his one for Dracula is pretty ace) or Kim Newman and Stephen Jones (they tend to work as a pair, and I enjoy the ones they did for I Walked With a Zombie and Mark of the Vampire very much); or any classic noir with commentary by any number of people, but especially Eddie Muller. Muller is a favorite because he combines a sharp grasp of the history and biographies of those involved in the film with a genuine love of the films that he's not shy about expressing. His commentaries for Otto Preminger's Angel Face and Fallen Angel are love letters. He can barely contain himself at the end of Angel Face, for example, but he knows his shit, too. I love that.

Having said all that, the extended improv that makes up the Talladega Nights commentary is pretty hilarious, too.

11) Movies most recently seen on DVD, Blu-ray and theatrically.

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I'll answer the DVD part in two ways, because I want to count rewatches and never-seen-before separately. As a rewatch, it was Joe Giannone's Madman, which is a Friday the 13th knock-off that I like because the score sounds like it was lifted from unused tracks of the BBC television version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; and never-before-seen goes to Fassbinder's Mother Kusters Goes to Heaven, which is kind of a gripping oddity, I suppose. The satire on Communism seemed pretty biting to me, but I've since learned that those crazy Reds liked the movie. Whatever, dudes.

In the theater, it was The Other Guys. I don't get out much.

12) Dirk Bogarde or Alan Bates?

I want to say Alan Bates, but I’m not sure why. I've probably seen more Bates films, but both he and Bogarde were familiar to me early because of frequent, but long ago, viewings of Richard Attenboroughs' A Bridge Too Far, which featured Bogarde in a prominent role, and Mike Hodges' A Prayer for the Dying, where Bates plays the villain, and Mickey Rourke pronounces "father" as "fa'er", because he's Irish.

13) Favorite DVD extra

Well, I haven't actually partaken in this one yet, but I love that Criterion's set of Rohmer's Six Moral Tales comes with Rohmer's collection of stories, also called Six Moral Tales, on which he based the films. I plan on using that book as my gateway into his work.

14) Brian De Palma’s Scarface— yes or no?

God, no. That movie’s the worst at everything.

15) Best comic moment from a horror film that is not a horror comedy (Young Frankenstein, Love At First Bite, et al.)

What about in Witchfinder General when they torture that one guy! What, too soon?

16) Jane Birkin or Edwige Fenech?

Fenech.

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17) Favorite Wong Kar-wai movie.

I’ve only seen two. So In the Mood for Love.

18) Best horrific moment from a comedy that is not a horror comedy.

Can I choose an episode, or rather half an episode, of a TV show? Just tonight, I watched the episode of Extras when Andy is on the cusp of getting signed to the BBC to shoot a pilot of his sitcom, but he tells his friend that the network script editor he's working with is "too gay". The aftermath of that is fucking brutal.

19) From 2010, a specific example of what movies are doing right…

Well, if what I've heard about Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in Black Swan is anywhere close to accurate, then Movies in 2010 have landed on precisely the formula I've been mentally pitching to them for a long time now.

20) Ryan Reynolds or Chris Evans?

I kind of like Reynolds – he seems okay in certain roles. But I think Evans has some untapped potential. I thought he was very good in the it-sucks-but-we-have-to-do-it-anyway leadership role in Sunshine.

21) Speculate about the future of online film writing. What’s next?

That it will continue? Probably? I mean, that's my guess, anyway.

22) Roger Livesey or David Farrar?

I'm not pleased that my knowledge of Farrar's work is so sketchy, but if he manages to somehow be better than Roger Livesey, then God bless 'im.

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23) Best father/child (male or female) movie star combo.

Gary and Jake Busey.

24) Favorite Freddie Francis movie (as Director).

The Skull.

25) Bringing Up Baby or The Awful Truth?

Is it permissible that I haven’t seen The Awful Truth? Because I haven’t. I love Bringing Up Baby, though.

26) Tina Fey or Kristen Wiig?

Fey. I think they’re both funny, but Tina Fey wears glasses.

27) Name a stylistically important director and the best film that would have never been made without his/her influence.

Robert Altman. Magnolia.

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28) Movie you’d most enjoy seeing remade and transplanted to a different culture (i.e. Yimou Zhang’s A Woman, a Gun and a Noodle Shop.)

Maybe House of Whipcord in Japan. Wait, no, I think they already did a version. How about South Korea?

29) Link to a picture/frame grab of a movie image that for you best illustrates bliss. Elaborate.

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Now you want me to elaborate? Oh yeah, I'll elaborate on that, all right! You just...wait, does that work? Is "elaborate" dirty?

30) With a tip of that hat to Glenn Kenny, think of a just-slightly-inadequate alternate title for a famous movie. (Examples from GK: Fan Fiction; Boudu Relieved From Cramping; The Mild Imprecation of the Cat People)

Jesus. The Decent Escape? Puns and I don't get along.

Quizmaster, Too

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It's time for another one of Dennis Cozzalio's infernal quizzes. This one is fifty questions long. Fifty.

___________________________

1) Second-favorite Coen Brothers movie.

Yowch. Well, I often say that Miller's Crossing and Barton Fink are my #1 and my #2, which I suppose makes the answer Barton Fink. But since I started saying that, their work has just continued to be incredibly diverse and rich. I'll stick with Barton Fink for now, though.

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2) Movie seen only on home format that you would pay to see on the biggest movie screen possible? (Question submitted by Peter Nellhaus)

Maybe Days of Heaven, but there are so many, really. The Shining, too. Most of Kubrick, except for 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut, both of which I've seen in the theater. Lawrence of Arabia, too. Hell, I don't know. All of them, I guess.

3) Japan or France? (Question submitted by Bob Westal)

Ah...Japan, I think. I say Japan primarily because of Kurosawa, who is a very important filmmaker for me, and I don't think there is a French equivalent, at least as far as I'm concerned. But then I remember how drawn to Jean-Pierre Melville I've become, and also of the depth and breadth of French films that I've experienced over the last few years, from Melville and Bresson and the Dardennes brothers and Claire Denis, and so on and so forth. I don't know. I have to stick with Japan for Kurosawa, though, because I grew up with his films, and I feel so close to so many of them.

4) Favorite moment/line from a western.

"You go ask her if she'll eat dog now." Paul Newman in Hombre.
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5) Of all the arts the movies draw upon to become what they are, which is the most important, or the one you value most?

Writing. Strangely, it's also the one that gets the least credit, when you get into the deep-down criticism (unless the director happened to also be the screenwriter) -- a lot of actors complain about writers being "too precious about their words", which implies that the actor saying this believes that whatever they might improvise in place of a given scripted line is automatically better than what the writer came up with. Sometimes it is, probably, but actors aren't writers, and they shouldn't assume that a line isn't written in a certain way for very specific reasons. It would be like saying that actors are too precious about their faces.

They say screenplays are just blueprints for the film, and that's true, but show me a good and stable building that came from a shitty blueprint.

6) Most misunderstood movie of the 2000s (The Naughties?).

You know what I'm tempted to say, partly to be different, but partly because it's true? Frailty. I won't go so far as to say it's a great film, but look at what happens (SPOILER): Bill Paxton's character, for much of the film, is thought by the audience, and his sons, to be wacked out of his head to the point where he believes God is telling him to kill certain people because they are demons. We believe these are innocent people he's killing, and teaching his sons to kill. But then the revelation (pun!) is that God really was telling him to kill people, and those people really were demons. At first, it seems like a cop-out; an interesting premise turned suddenly uninteresting. Yet what's curious about the film is that once this is revealed, the tone of the film doesn't change. It stays a horror film. Demons are being killed, demons who did awful things, but the whole idea of Paxton training his children to do this remains deeply chilling, implying that God is vengeful, and that may be all He is.
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7) Name a filmmaker/actor/actress/film you once unashamedly loved who has fallen furthest in your esteem.

I suppose it would have to be Harrison Ford. I was a child of the 80s, after all, and Harrison Ford was fucking it for us. I hardly think I need to tell you why. But it wasn't just because of Solo and Jones, but because of the other, more adventurous films he made in those days, like Blade Runner and even The Mosquito Coast. And even though he looked like a star, he showed fear and normalcy, as well as humor -- he was human. And he got his ass beat so often...he was like a pulp detective. I loved him so much that my parents caved and let me watch my first R rated film (Blade Runner) and what was probably either my second or third, as well (Witness).

And now look at him. Cranky, tacky, arrogant, and he doesn't even make any films halfway good enough to back it up. He's really kind of a turd now, when you think about it.

8) Herbert Lom or Patrick Magee?

Lom. I haven't seen as much of his stuff as I have of Magee's, but Lom's career seems much more interesting and diverse.

9) Which is your least favorite David Lynch film ? (Submitted by Tony Dayoub)

Wild at Heart. It may be more superficially watchable than, say, Eraserhead, and technically better than Dune, but Wild at Heart is for me the only time that Lynch has made a film that self-consciously attempted to live up to his media image of a weird and shocking loony-bird, as opposed to a guy who made movies because he needed to get them out of his head.

10) Gordon Willis or Conrad Hall? (Submitted by Peet Gelderblom)

I'm tempted to call it a push, but I'll give it to Hall for that rain-shadow effect in In Cold Blood. I don't care if it was just an accident.

11) Second favorite Don Siegel movie.

Hm. I haven't seen as many as I should have, but I'd probably have to say The Beguiled, with Invasion of the Body Snatchers coming in first.

12) Last movie you saw on DVD/Blu-ray? In theaters?

In the theater, it was A Serious Man (I'll be seeing The Fantastic Mr. Fox this weekend). On DVD it was...goddamnit, usually I have something really good for this question, but this time I think the answer is Kung Fu Panda. For the second time. Fuck you guys, it's a funny movie.

13) Which DVD in your private collection screams hardest to be replaced by a Blu-ray? (Submitted by Peet Gelderblom)

I'm so out of the Blu-Ray loop. I don't know. I was in Best Buy, sometime around last Christmas, and I saw The Dark Knight Blu-Ray being shown on an HD TV, and it was pretty freakin' stunning. That's not my answer, necessarily, but that's really my main experience with this technology so far.

14) Eddie Deezen or Christopher Mintz-Plasse?

Mintz-Plasse hasn't been around that long and seems pretty one note so far, but I have enjoyed his stuff. Deezen, not so much.

15) Actor/actress who you feel automatically elevates whatever project they are in, or whom you would watch in virtually anything.

Too many to list. Harry Dean Stanton, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Warren Oates, Paul Newman, John Malkovich, J. K. Simmons, Andre Braugher, Steve Buscemi, Margo Martendale, Hal Holbrook, Naomi Watts, Barbara Stanwyck, Katharine Hepburn, Bogart, Delroy Lindo, Dana Andrews, Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, Boris Karloff, Edward Woodward, James Garner. And so on.
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16) Fight Club -- yes or no?

No. I suspect I should give this a second chance, but I have very little faith that I'll be rewarded for my efforts. It's always struck me as a film made for affected 20 year-olds, by an affected 20 year-old.

17) Teresa Wright or Olivia De Havilland?

Wright.

18) Favorite moment/line from a film noir.
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"You wouldn't dare! You're chicken!" Said by Ann Savage in Detour. It's really more the delivery than the line itself.
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19) Best (or worst) death scene involving an obvious dummy substituting for a human or any other unsuccessful special effect(s)—see the wonderful blog Destructible Man for inspiration.

In Eureka, when that hobo blows his brains out. They cut from the actor playing the hobo to Gene Hackman, then back to the hobo, who is now a dummy. A whole dummy, for just a split second, before his head explodes, and you can see a little piece of painted plastic, which had been an eye, shoot off screen.

20) What's the least you've spent on a film and still regretted it? (Submitted by Lucas McNelly)

I keep almost buying My Bloody Valentine 3D, but that hasn't happened yet, so it doesn't count. I did buy the godawful Heather Graham vehicle Killing Me Softly for about five bucks once, but for one or two (well, two) reasons, I haven't quite regretted it yet. I should, though.
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21) Van Johnson or Van Heflin?

I'll say Johnson, only because I love everyone who had anything to do with The Caine Mutiny.

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22) Favorite Alan Rudolph film.

Haven't seen that many. I saw Mortal Thoughts ages ago, and more recently caught Choose Me on cable. I enjoyed Choose Me very much for about the first half, before I thought it started to slip away. Still, I'll go with that, for lack of any other option.
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23) Name a documentary that you believe more people should see.

I'm not sure I've seen any great ones that can really be considered undiscovered gems. All the gems I've seen have been well and truly discovered by the time I get to them. Still, Errol Morris's Mr. Death is never regarded as his masterpiece by anyone but me, but seriously, you guys...that thing is amazing. Watch it again.

24) In deference to this quiz’s professor, name a favorite film which revolves around someone becoming stranded.

I like Chris Elliott's deleted scene from The Abyss, which he showed on Letterman once, years ago, that depicted him and Gerard Mulligan in scuba gear at the bottom of the ocean. At one point in the scene, Elliott says, "Great, now we're stuck down here in the abyss." Also, he was stranded on the boat in Cabin Boy.

25) Is there a moment when your knowledge of film, or lack thereof, caused you an unusual degree of embarrassment and/or humiliation? If so, please share.

Yeah, every time I take one of these goddamn quizzes.

26) Ann Sheridan or Geraldine Fitzgerald? (Submitted by Larry Aydlette)

I've seen more Ann Sheridan movies, so her.

27) Do you or any of your family members physically resemble movie actors or other notable figures in the film world? If so, who?

Yes. I look just like Mickey Rooney, circa now.
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28) Is there a movie you have purposely avoided seeing? If so, why?

Yeah, there's a few, actually. Cannibal Holocaust is one, because of the turtle scene (among other things). There are some, like Last Year in Marienbad, that I'm hesitant about because, frankly, I don't want to feel like a moron afterwards. I will see the Resnais film, though, because for goodness sake I bought the damn thing, but I'll be taking my own sweet time about it.

29) Movie with the most palpable or otherwise effective wintry atmosphere or ambience.

I feel like there's a good one, right on the tip of my brain, but I can't pull it. But Fargo, particularly that shot of John Carroll Lynch sitting in a warm kitchen eating breakfast, while Frances McDormand heads out into the blue early winter morning, is pretty good. It's good because it gets across a great sense of ordinary coldness, the kind of winter certain people are born into and can put up with. That's hardly ever dealt with at all, let alone with such grace.

30) Gerrit Graham or Jeffrey Jones?

I've hardly seen any of Graham's work, but I have a hard time picking Jeffrey Jones as a favorite anything. Also, Graham was in an episode of The Larry Sanders Show, which is all I need to hear.

31) The best cinematic antidote to a cultural stereotype (sexual, political, regional, whatever).

You know, I really liked how the born-again Christian in Observe and Report wasn't sneered at. A little gentle fun was poked at her, but she was one of the good guys. For a movie straining to offend, that refusal to go after an easy target with both barrels was very refreshing.

32) Second favorite John Wayne movie.

Rio Bravo. First is The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

33) Favorite movie car chase.

In the interest of changing things up a bit, and getting away from the answers this question normally gets, I'll say that I really liked the one in The Seven-Ups.

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34) In the spirit of His Girl Friday, propose a gender-switched remake of a classic or not-so-classic film. (Submitted by Patrick Robbins)

An all-girl Cruising.

35) Barbara Rhoades or Barbara Feldon?

Feldon, but more importantly, when I did a search on IMDB for Barbara Rhoades, I discovered that there was, at one time, a Serpico TV show. What the hell?? Why didn't anyone tell me?

36) Favorite Andre De Toth movie.

I think House of Wax is underrated. That thing has Vincent Price and Charles Bronson, for Chrissake. It's like that too-brief pairing of Peter Cushing and Jack Palance in Torture Garden. I didn't even know you were allowed to do things like that!

37) If you could take one filmmaker's entire body of work and erase it from all time and memory, as if it had never happened, whose oeuvre would it be? (Submitted by Tom Sutpen)

There's a very obvious answer to this one, for me anyway, but I don't want to sound like a broken record, so I won't say Michael Moore. Barring him, though, I don't know if I have an answer. Oliver Stone at least has Salvador, which I remember liking, and I want to check out his horror film, The Hand. I don't think that outside of that one fat piece of phony-everyman, pseudo-hippie, smug, lying horseshit, there is a single filmmaker who I broadly dislike who doesn't have at least one thing of value to their credit.

So, Michael Moore, I guess. Oh wait: Rob Zombie.

38) Name a film you actively hated when you first encountered it, only to see it again later in life and fall in love with it.

I don't think I've experienced quite so dramatic a swing. There were a lot of films that I didn't like due to youth or inexperience, like Taxi Driver, that I now dearly love, but I guess the most currently resonant example of that is Picnic at Hanging Rock, which I didn't get at all when I first saw it as either a teenager or young college student. I finally saw it again last year some time, and absolutely adored it.

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39) Max Ophuls or Marcel Ophuls? (Submitted by Tom Sutpen)

Haven't seen enough of either, but Greg's rationale that only one of them made The Earrings of Madame de... is pretty damn sound.

40) In which club would you most want an active membership, the Delta Tau Chi fraternity, the Cutters or the Warriors? And which member would you most resemble, either physically or in personality?

The Cutters is from Breaking Away, right? That is, by far, my favorite movie of the three referenced here, but I'm nothing like any of those guys. I'm probably closest, or was, to Delta Tau Chi, and that only barely, because I used to like to drink a lot, and still like girls (specifically, my wife). I guess I'd like most to be a Warrior, only because getting into gangfights with guys dressed up like baseball players might be kind of thrilling, as long as we won, which I think we do. I don't know, I haven't seen that movie in forever.

41) Your favorite movie cliché.

Since Greg already took "reluctant hero", I'll go with the related "one good cop in the bad town".

42) Vincente Minnelli or Stanley Donen? (Submitted by Bob Westal)

Minnelli. I finally saw Some Came Running earlier this year, and holy shit, is that a great movie. Honestly, it's like the Ophuls question: only one made Some Came Running, so...
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43) Favorite Christmas-themed horror movie or sequence.

Can I cheat and take my choice from literature, rather than film? Any film choice I might go with will have either already been taken, or it's not something I really like that much. So, instead, I'll point out that Robert Bloch once ended a short story with the line "She was decorating the Christmas tree."

Use your imagination.

44) Favorite moment of self- or selfless sacrifice in a movie.

It's an easy answer, but Gary Cooper going out alone, wracked with fear, at the end of High Noon. I love that so much.

45) If you were the cinematic Spanish Inquisition, which movie cult (or cult movie) would you decimate? (Submitted by Bob Westal)

I'm honestly getting pretty sick and tired of the James Cameron cult. In recent weeks, more times than I can count, I've seen people use as evidence that Avatar cannot be anything less than wonderful all the films that Cameron has already made. They'll say things like, "Have some faith! This guy made Terminator and Terminator 2 and Aliens and The Abyss and Titanic!" I know he did. That's the problem: he's a shitty writer.

46) Caroline Munro or Veronica Carlson?

Munro. Come on, now. I mean, look at her!

47) Favorite eye-patch wearing director. (Submitted by Patty Cozzalio)

John Ford. I like to think he got his eye shot out by a Nazi, who he then beat to death with his movie camera, but it was probably actually glaucoma, or something. Either way.

48) Favorite ambiguous movie ending. (Original somewhat ambiguous submission---“Something about ambiguous movie endings!”-- by Jim Emerson, who may have some inspiration of his own to offer you.)

The Mystery of Kaspar Hauser

49) In giving thanks for the movies this year, what are you most thankful for?

Inglourious Basterds. It's been a long time since a movie has energized me like that.

50) George Kennedy or Alan North? (Submitted by Peet Gelderblom)

Kennedy. Cool Hand Luke trumps all. .

Quizmaster

I once told Dennis Cozzalio that when it came to taking his semi-quarterly film quizzes, my reaction was similar to Paul Valery's. "Dennis's film quizzes," Valery said (though I'm paraphrasing slightly), "are never finished, only abandoned." Well, the time has come, once again, to abandon another of Dennis's very thorough quizzes, and the results of said abandonment can be read below.

1) Second-favorite Stanley Kubrick film.

This is tough, because technically I believe 2001 is my favorite, in that I think it’s his best, but The Shining is the one I’m most likely to watch over and over…and indeed I have done so. Which I think would make 2001 my second favorite, since “favorite” and “best” are two different things. But I don’t know. Judges?

2) Most significant/important/interesting trend in movies over the past decade, for good or evil.

I think this has been going on for more than a decade, but the trend towards not giving a shit about B genre films. It used to be that good, sometimes great, professional talent would be hired for low budget crime, horror and science fiction films. Professionalism doesn't seem to enter into the equation anymore, let alone talent. If anyone who is perceived -- rightly or wrongly -- to be good at their job, then the genre films they get hired for have to be big summer tentpole wanks. The system that produced movies like Prime Cut is long gone.
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3) Bronco Billy (Clint Eastwood) or Buffalo Bill Cody (Paul Newman)?

I’ve only seen the Altman film, and that was a long time ago. I must say I wasn’t thrilled with it, though I don’t actually remember disliking it, either. But anyway, I guess Cody/Newman wins by default.

4) Best Film of 1949.

You picked the year that The Third Man was released. Did you mean to choose a different year?

5) Joseph Tura (Jack Benny) or Oscar Jaffe (John Barrymore)?
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This is the first of many questions on this quiz that I can’t answer, because I haven’t seen either movie. But Jack Benny wins, because he’s Jack Benny.

6) Has the hand-held shaky-cam directorial style become a visual cliché?

Oh, of course. It’s been a cliché for many years now.

7) What was the first foreign-language film you ever saw?

I have no idea. Probably Seven Samurai, though. Kurosawa was pretty much the first foreign-language director I paid attention to.

8) Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) or Mr. Moto (Peter Lorre)?

See? Another one. Can you believe I’ve never seen a Charlie Chan or Mr. Moto film? Isn’t that awful? But Peter Lorre wins because he’s Peter Lorre.

9) Favorite World War II drama (1950-1970).

Ouch. I’m tempted to go with an easy one, like The Bridge on the River Kwai, which is probably what I’ll go ahead and say. I was big on POW films for a while, and still kind of am. My brother always wondered why, and I didn’t really have an answer then, but now I’d guess it has something to do with “triumph over adversity”, as well as sticking it to those Axis rats. Of course, Bridge on the River Kwai is a bit more complicated than that, as far as the “triumph over adversity” part goes, but the Axis rats still have various things stuck to them, so it evens out.

10) Favorite animal movie star.

Snoopy.

11) Who or whatever is to blame, name an irresponsible moment in cinema.

The time those parents let their kids take that other kid out of the house and make him "walk the plank" off the backyard pool's diving board, and he ended up getting eaten by the alligator in Alligator. They were probably busy getting drunk and swapping keys.

12) Best Film of 1969.

One Upon a Time in the West

13) Name the last movie you saw theatrically, and also on DVD or Blu-ray.

Theatrically, it was Public Enemies, which I liked, although I was also slightly disappointed in it in some ways. Mostly small ways, but they added up. But the good stuff lingers in my head more, so that’s a good sign.
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On DVD it was Dr. X, directed by Michael Curtiz. That is one crazy-ass movie, I don’t mind telling you. “Synthetic fffllleeessshhh…”

14) Second-favorite Robert Altman film.

Short Cuts. That was my favorite for a long time, but now it’s taken a back seat to Gosford Park, which I truly think is a full-blown masterpiece. Short Cuts actually might be third, since I watched Nashville again about a year ago, and thought it was damn near perfect. So Nashville and Short Cuts are tied, with a final decision pending.

15) What is your favorite independent outlet for reading about movies, either online or in print?

Hurm…SLIFR, Some Came Running, Coosa Creek Cinema, Cinema Styles, Arbogast on Film, Tractor Facts, Only the Cinema, Doodad Kind of Town, Ferdy on Film, Medfly Quarantine, Flickhead, Self-Styled Siren, The Bleeding Tree, Lazy Eye Theater, Coffee, Coffee and More Coffee, Illusions Travel by Streetcar, Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies, Film Fed Babies, Eternal Sunshine of the Logical Mind, Final Girl...

16) Who wins? Angela Mao or Meiko Kaji?

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I can only go by an internet search of what they look like, but Meiko Kaji. She has that certain something. Actually, hold up, I did see Kaji in Female Prisoner 701: Scorpion. So yeah, her. She's hot, and if I wasn't married, hoo boy I wanna tell you, etc.

17) Mona Lisa Vito (Marisa Tomei) or Olive Neal (Jennifer Tilly)?

Olive, in a walk.

18) Favorite movie that features a carnival setting or sequence.

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Sheesh, I don't know. I feel like I should have a whole difficult list to choose from, but either I don't, or my brain is dead. I did like The Funhouse, though. More not-that-great horror movies should be that good.

19) Best use of high-definition video on the big screen to date.

I’d say Zodiac, if I’d seen it in the theater. Public Enemies did impress me on that front, actually, so I’ll go with that one.

20) Favorite movie that is equal parts genre film and a deconstruction or consideration of that same genre.

Unforgiven is way too obvious an answer, isn't it? But that is my favorite, although I'm sort of taking the "deconstruction of the genre" elements on faith, because, while I can see where people are coming from when they make those points about the film, I honestly don't care about that. I think it's the least interesting thing about Eastwood's masterpiece, and I'd wager that Eastwood and company didn't give it much thought, either.

21) Best Film of 1979.

Hanover Street. Okay, no, it’s Herzog’s remake of Nosferatu.

22) Most realistic and/or sincere depiction of small-town life in the movies.

The depiction of small-town life is one of the things I always liked about Sling Blade. It was honest about the bad aspects without resorting to full-scale condemnation, and it also showed that there was a great deal of warmth and kindness to be found, as well as lawnmower-blade slayings.

23) Best horror movie creature (non-giant division).

This is at least sort of a horror movie, so cheating or not I'm going with the Angel of Death from Hellboy II.

24) Second-favorite Francis Ford Coppola film.

The Conversation. It’s almost as good as The Godfather.

25) Name a one-off movie that could have produced a franchise you would have wanted to see.

I'm going to get yelled at, but Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I liked that movie. I had a damn good time with it. Screw everybody else.

26) Favorite sequence from a Brian De Palma film.

I’m not the world’s biggest De Palma fan, but he can direct the hell out of a sequence, and my favorite is the first murder in Sisters, with the split screen of the bloody hand clawing at the window on one side, and on the other side that hand seen from across the street by a neighbor, who calls the police. That is really ingenious.

27) Favorite moment in three-strip Technicolor.

I could pretend to have one, but I don’t, really.

28) Favorite Alan Smithee film. (Thanks, Peter!)

I haven't really seen any pure Smithee movies, I don't think. I've only seen the movies that get the Smithee stamp due to TV re-edits, and not even very many of those. So I guess the longer version of Dune is my favorite, even though I don't like it.

29) Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) or Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)?

Please. If you give a choice of two, and one of those choices is Walter Matthau, then Walter Matthau automatically wins. That’s, like, just science. If the choice was “Monkeys or Walter Matthau?” or “Tokyo or Walter Matthau?” or “Cheeseburgers or Walter Matthau?” the answer is always Walter Matthau. This is like an IQ test question, and if you don’t pick Matthau, then it proves you’re a dumbshit.

30) Best post-Crimes and Misdemeanors Woody Allen film.

Bullets Over Broadway. It’s his funniest, that’s for sure.

31) Best Film of 1999.

Magnolia. Still my favorite PT Anderson film, and it still contains one of the most mesmerizing and mysterious openings I've ever seen. Love that film.

32) Favorite movie tag line.

Snuff - "A film that could only be made in South America, where life is CHEAP!"

33) Favorite B-movie western.

Did Budd Boetticher make B westerns? If he did, then The Tall T is my answer.

34) Overall, the author best served by movie adaptations of her or his work.

Wow. Almost everybody who's been adapted on a regular basis has their share of highs and lows. Obviously Chandler had a nice run, as did James M. Cain. God, there's so many. Did you realize this was an impossible question when you asked it?

But I'll say Robert Bloch. He actually hasn't been adapted all that often, but one film -- Psycho, of course -- has made his name live on for decades after it might have otherwise faded into obscurity. This isn't a qualatative judgment, by the way, because Bloch was a very good writer, but lots of good writers are forgotten. However, the day Hitchcock started rolling on his film, Bloch was ensured that every book he published subsequently would have stamped, on the front cover, the words "By the author of Psycho!" I know that's how I first learned about Bloch, and I'm grateful for it.

35) Susan Vance (Katharine Hepburn) or Irene Bullock (Carole Lombard)?

Susan Vance. That’s one of my favorite comic performances.

36) Favorite musical cameo in a non-musical movie.

Randy Newman as the Singing Bush in Three Amigos.

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37) Bruno (the character, if you haven’t seen the movie, or the film, if you have): subversive satire or purveyor of stereotyping?

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Neither. “Occasionally funny comedy” would be my description. This stuff is nowhere near as subversive as a lot of people claim.

38) Five film folks, living or deceased, you would love to meet. (Thanks, Rick!)

Robert Mitchum, Orson Welles, Boris Karloff, Werner Herzog, and Salma Hayek, and I'd like to meet Salma while we were both swimming. And she'd be delighted to meet me. Also, my wife would be totally cool with it.