What in The!?

I had a conversation today with a dear friend and it went like this:

"Hello, Bill!"

"Hi dear friend. You look awesome today!"

"Thanks. I am a monster made up of stitched-together dead people."

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Yep."

"And here I thought I knew you pretty well."

"Nope. Have you been to that new restaurant with those sandwiches?"

"Cap'n Sandwich? Yes I have. So good. Soooo good."

"Do they do a barbecue thing?"

"They have a barbecue grilled cheese!"

"WHAT THE FUCK! Barbecued grilled cheese!?"

"Yes, what they do is...ah, I can't even do this! April Fool's, motherfucker!"

"Goddamn! I wanted to try that sandwich! You got me all lookin' forward to it, you asshole! GODDAMN IT!"

"Sandwiches can't make you happy, dude. I can't make you happy! One might go so far as to say, you're afraid of both happiness and success!"

"You're not my therapist! Nor are you a respected member of the clergy!"

"I'm just trying to help you! You're always moping around, that's why nobody wants to hang out with you anymore! You were once my dear friend, but now I see you coming, and I'm like 'No thanks!'"

"Then why didn't you run away when I just walked up to you, just now, you coward? Afraid to face your own soul? Dear friend, is it? Ha!"

"I hate this. I hate that we're like this now. Remember the old days, when we'd hang out at Arthur Treacher's until late, then go bowling, then go to the gym, then go to the movies, then go to the night club, then hook up with some ladies, then go to Taco Bell for late night food, then go shopping for hip new CDs, then hit up the comic book store and shoot the crap with Donnie who runs the comic book store? Whatever happened to us, man??"

"...People change. I changed. You changed. What the fuck man, it's just life, you know? Shit happens."

"'Shit happens.' So many years of dear friendship, and that's where we're at now? 'Shit happens?'"

"I don't make the rules. I'm not God."

"No...I thought you could be, though. Once."

Then we parted.