Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I Am Going to Hurt Myself

For some reason, I got it into my head a few days ago to punish myself with movies. I don't know what specifically I'm guilty of, that I should rain such abuse upon myself, but I'll bet it was something bad because at the top of my Netflix queue I have grouped the following three films:

To get to these three movies, I first have to watch, and return, Ninotchka, Woodenhead, and A Place in the Sun, but once that's done it's going to be a belly-slicing, unpleasant sex-having, poo-eating extravaganza at my pad.

I've never seen any of these movies, but why see them like this? Why lump them all together like that? How about, instead, watching a triple-feature of Salo, Lady and the Tramp and Anchors Aweigh? Or Inside with The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow? Why deliberately set out to ruin my life? Subconciously I must know myself to harbor a great evil in my soul.

But my festering spiritual malignancy could possibly -- though I promise nothing -- be your gain, in that I'll more than likely end up writing about the experience. Perhaps I'll even do a genuine triple-feature of these (that was not my original plan, but maybe...) and, I don't know, live blog the son of a bitch. So look for that in the not too distant future, should you be so inclined. If, on the other hand, you don't see a post on this in about a week and a half, you'll probably know why. (Hint: It's because I'll be dead.)

61 comments:

Jonathan Lapper said...

Okay, I'll look for it... in the not too distant future. Somewhat distant but I'll make sure it's not too distant.

bill r. said...

I said a week and a half! I was more specific in the very next sentence!

Jerk.

Jonathan Lapper said...

I think you need to take less hostility pills. If you're taking three a day now, I'd cut back to two, maybe even one.

bill r. said...

I'll take as many hostility pills as I want, whipdick!

bill r. said...

Also, you should have said "fewer hostility pills, not less, because when the object can be counted you say "fewer", whereas when the object is not quantifiable you say "less" as in "less angry", Captain Idiot!!!

Jonathan Lapper said...

Check! I shall make fewer comments here, and there will be fewer links on my blogroll as The Kind of Face You Hate gets removed. It's nice to clean house once in a while.

bill r. said...

I, but it's just that...waaaaah!?!?

Flickhead said...

Save Salo for last.

After that, you may cancel your Netflix subscription, join a bowling league and do some gardening.

Ed Howard said...

The Piano Teacher is awesome. I never thought cute little Isabelle Huppert could be so creepy. This goes well beyond her "ice queen" roles into genuinely disturbing.

Ed Howard said...

Oh, and if you really wanted to go all out, you could add In My Skin and Trouble Every Day to that list: two of the best films that I had to watch while flinching and casting little sidelong glances at the screen the whole time.

bill r. said...

Flickhead, it was my plan to watch them in order of infamy, starting with the least infamous, which, of course, will put Salo at the end. So, yes, after this, my blog might just end up being about how cute puppies are.

Ed, I actually, by and large, like Haneke (The Seventh Continent is amazing), and a friend of mine has raved to me in the past about Huppert in The Piano Teacher, so I am in a sense looking forward to that one.

I haven't seen In My Skin (not sure I've even heard of it) but I have seen Trouble Every Day, and I agree, that's a hell of a movie. When I watched it, during one particularly harrowing scene, I actually said out loud to an empty room, "Stop doing that!"

Ed Howard said...

Bill, if you like Trouble Every Day, then In My Skin is definitely for you. Unbelievably creepy and queasy.

bill r. said...

I will check that one out, Ed, thanks. But...er...not for a little while, probably.

Flickhead said...

I agree with Ed's recommendations, but suggest pairing In My Skin with Regarde la mer (See the Sea -- and don't use that toothbrush!) for a crash appreciation course in Marina de Van.

jryan said...

Maybe I will have to change my Netflix delivery address Bill. I will have to keep a steady flow of upbeat movies arriving at your doorstep just to balance things out.

... there done... hey what the?!

Somehow "Irreversible" and "Cannibal Holocaust" just showed up in my queue.

I think this problem is bigger than either of us.

Crap! What is "Tokyo Gore Police" doing there?!

bill r. said...

Ah, I've seen See the Sea (odd how the English translation works out so nicely, isn't it?)! That one kind of messed me up. Not as badly as The Seventh Continent (which isn't even graphic, but it nevertheless really, REALLY disturbed me), but after watching it, I no longer wanted to brush my teeth or go to the beach or talk to backpackers. Anonymous sex in the woods was still okay, though.

bill r. said...

Hey, Joe! What the hell are you doing with Cannibal Holocaust in your queue!? Even I won't touch that one. At least Salo is all fake (...isn't it?). Anyway, they don't kill any animals in it.

jryan said...

I didn't put it there!!

Someone is trying to break you, and I've been tagged for trying to help, jerk.

Watch... hmmmmm... Ok, I just added "The Incredibles" see? Now watch when I refresh...

See? Somehow it changed to "Machine Girl".

Don't blame me.

bill r. said...

You're going to accidentally end up watching Ichi the Killer with your daughters if you're not careful.

Fox said...

I half-like Trouble Every Day, but abhor In My Skin. I chalk it up to the senseless (self) sadism you're about to witness with Inside.

Can wait to hear your thoughts on all of these. Of the three, I toggle back-and-forth on my feelings of Salo. It's one of those films where I can quite cement how I feel.

Fox said...

OOPS! I meant "Can't wait"!

I usually won't correct by horrible spelling, typing, and grammar... but I didn't want you to think I was like "Uh, dude, like... I can totally wait on hearing your opinions so please take your time".

Mainly I didn't wanna be called "Captain Idiot" as well.

bill r. said...

I didn't even catch the typo, Fox...I mean, Colonel Moron!!!

I'm not sure which of these films scares me the most: Salo or Inside. Anyway, Fox, it doesn't surprise me that you're not a fan of Inside, but you and I generally don't see eye-to-eye on horror films, so I hope I'll at least think it's..."effective", is I guess the word I want.

Fox said...

"Effective" I will give it. Despite my hatred for it, I reacted physically to Inside. In My Skin made me squirm, but Inside made me sqwarm.

I'm not gonna give anything away, but there are a couple shots of Beatrice Dalle that are really freakin' creepy. Thing is, she looks kinda sexy, sometimes (!), in Claire Denis films... but she really is almost inhuman in appearance.

bill r. said...

Yeah, I've heard the film is really extraordinarily unpleasant, and not just due to the violence/sadism (although obviously that accounts for most of the unpleasantness). Dalle is supposed to be incredibly frightening.

Rick Olson said...

So, yes, after this, my blog might just end up being about how cute puppies are.

I like puppies. I'll read it.

But seriously, dude, does mst come under the heading of "to be a serious cinephile I have to see Salo?" I have carefully avoided it, and have no regrets, because I don't want anyone to ever mistake me for a serious cinephile. Much less me.

And Fox, you'll always be Captain Idiot to me.

Jonathan Lapper said...

And Fox, you'll always be Captain Idiot to me.

Awwww.

Rick, I saw Salo and thought it blew. I found it to be one huge phony pose. Man, it was like the movie was screaming at me, "Look how far I can go. Aren't I sooooooooo cool, cutting and daring?" And then after a long, protracted yawn I responded, "No."

bill r. said...

Rick, I would honestly say "No, you don't need to see Salo to be a serious cinephile", which I admit is pretty rich coming from someone who hasn't seen it. But I mean, come on: it has poo-eating in it. I've never seen Pink Flamingos, never will, and don't care if anyone hates me for that.

But Salo, apparently, I'm willing to give a shot.

Pat said...

I'm glad you don't have to see "Salo" to be a serious cinephile, because I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to watch it.

And I'm going to chime with Ed here on "The Piano Teacher"; Huppert is brilliant but it is one creepy, disturbing film. I haven't see a lot of Haneke, but I'd say it's my, umm "favorite" of his films. (Although calling it a "favorite" anything feels a little weirt, because it just so damn disturbing.)

Flickhead said...

I saw Salo when it came out in the late 70s. I'd seen most of Pasolini's films throughout the decade. I never read anything about Salo beforehand, I don't even know if there was a buzz about it. I went because it was Pasolini.

Which is the only way I'd want to see it... clean, without influence... impossible today, as the legend precedes it. Too much information can only color the perception of a first-time viewing. Plus, I can't imagine watching it on TV in my living room -- that'd be too strange. There are two things I never want to see in my house: Salo on my TV, and Mein Kampf in my bookcase.

Ideally, Salo should be seen with an audience.

I haven't seen it since that one time -- I've no desire to. It affected me like no other film, but I'd never recommend it.

bill r. said...

Pat, have you seen Haneke's The Seventh Continent?

Plus, I can't imagine watching it on TV in my living room -- that'd be too strange.

Flickhead, did you say something very similar over at SLIFR about objecting to the very idea of watching Eraserhead on TV? If it wasn't you, somebody sure did. And what can I say? My options in that arena are limited to the point of being nil (even in cities like New York or Chicago, etc., does Salo get shown in theaters? I don't know, but I tend to doubt it), so I see movies how I can. I realize you're not passing judgement, of course, but I'm just saying that I'm not going to forego seeing certain films because the days of them playing in a theater are long past.

Ideally, Salo should be seen with an audience.

I'll invite the neighbors.

Flickhead said...

YES!!! INVITE THE NEIGHBORS!!!!

Pat said...

Nope, never seen The Seventh Contintent. And to be honest, I'm nor even familiar with it. Perhaps I'll add it to the queue.

bill r. said...

Flickhead - For snacks, my wife and I will make mini-tacos and...I don't know, chocolate pudding, or something.

Pat - Check it out. I think it's Haneke's best (of the ones I've seen, anyway). And try to go in as cold as you possibly can. The Seventh Continent really did a number on me.

Jonathan Lapper said...

Fudge would make a nice dessert.

Jonathan Lapper said...

And roll the fudge into a lumpy, cylindrical shape.

bill r. said...

And then I'll tell them that, for fun, we're all going to pretend it's shit.

Knarf Black XIV said...

If you need some animated fare for your cinematic flagellation, I'd recommend The Plague Dogs. It's more on the gloomy/depressing end of the trauma spectrum, but it has made it to number one on my "most traumatic film experiences" list, sailing past Trouble Every Day, In My Skin, Caligula, and the oeuvre of Gaspar NoƩ.

I'm very glad that I never saw it as a child.

bill r. said...

Oh, hello, Knarf Black IV. I like typing your name.

I very nearly watch The Plague Dogs as a young boy, and even very nearlier read the novel. The only reason I didn't read the book is because it was too "boring" for me at that age, but I skipped the movie for fear that it would, indeed, traumatize me. But I really don't want to go out of my way to make myself sad, and I know Plague Dogs will do that to me. For some reason, I don't believe these others will.

Caligula an idea, but I tried watching that one a few years ago, and the goddamn thing was so bad I just skipped ahead to the lesbian scene. Or no, wait, I mean I turned it off in disgust. The point being, I'm holding out hope that the three I've chosen will be good.

Irreversible would have probably taken the spot of The Piano Teacher if I hadn't already seen it.

bill r. said...

That is to say, "Knarf Black XIV". Sorry...

Fox said...

Bill... how did you attract a commenter like Knarf Black XIV to your site?? Cuz that's awesome. I want one!

Also, I see you're planning a party around the viewing of Salo, but I would cancel that and just have anal sex instead while you watch it. Now, it's probably wise that you have said sex with a third party (b/c you don't want to to upset your spouse. Trust me!) If you're having trouble finding willing participants, just check Craigslist... or, at least, that's what Lapper has told me.

bill r. said...

I said I was going to invite the neighbors!

jryan said...

Oh my GOD!! This isn't "Carebears in the Land of Laughs-A-Lot"!

bill r. said...

"Cindy*, don't EVER make Laura* eat pooh. This is just a movie. This is just pretend. You should NEVER do this for really."




*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Fox said...

"eat pooh".

Is that as in Pooh Bear or the poo that comes out of our butts? B/c I am guilty of being a naughty commenter, but I've never gotten as low as talking about eating poop!

Which reminds me... Bill, you should watch Sweet Movie back-to-back with Salo.

jryan said...

Eat what?!! *swoon*










(Aside to Bill R. - By the way, I have a new blog entry! Woo!)

Ed Howard said...

Sweet Movie! Yes! You can go for the poo-eating double feature.

bill r. said...

Fox, haven't you seen Salo? There's pooh eating in it, right? So that's why we're talking about the subject. It's serious, and in context.

Jryan, I shall check'er out!

Ed - Yeah...Sweet Movie. Some other time, I think.

Fox said...

It's serious, and in context.

That made me laugh for some reason. Like, "Come on dude... this is a serious poo conversation".

But yes, I've seen Salo, but no, I was saying that you were spelling "poo" incorrectly. You were spelling it like Winnie the Pooh, not like "Bill just pooed in his pants".

So, if this is as serious as you claim, then get it straight, BUDDY!

bill r. said...

Of course, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Who's Captain Idiot now??

Jonathan Lapper said...

I just changed my son's name to Knarf Black XV. Anyone want dibs on Knarf Black XVI, 'cause I don't think I'm going to use that one.

bill r. said...

Wasn't "Knarf Black XVI" also known as "the Sun King"?

Jonathan Lapper said...

Check your e-mail.

Fox said...

Check your e-mail.

I did. There was nothing! ... f**king tease.

Marilyn said...

Colonel Moron in the screening room with a splicer!

What do I win?

bill r. said...

You win a copy of Inside!! And Avanti!

Marilyn said...

Bill - I don't have a fireplace. What'm I gonna do with them? I'm never entering one of your contests again!

bill r. said...

But...but you won! You get two free movies, and whatnot! Valentine's Day is this Saturday, and you and your hubby can snuggle in and watch Inside and get all romantic!

Marilyn said...

Bill - Maybe if I were married to Jack the Ripper. Miss Saigon is more our speed these days.

bill r. said...

Does anyone get butchered in that?

Marilyn said...

I think someone walks into a chopper blade. They told people sitting in the first five rows to bring raincoats.

bill r. said...

So it's like a mixture between Inside and a Gallagher concert? Sounds like a winner!

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