Friday, March 20, 2009

Blurbs

I've noticed that some of the blogs I frequent have, on their sidebars, a list of positive, esteem-building encomiums -- or "blurbs" -- like you'll find on book covers from fellow, admiring bloggers. Arbogast has quite a collection, for instance, as does Stacie Ponder of Final Girl. It's probably worth pointing out that the two of them blurbed each other, which is probably unethical, but since Arbogast is involved, can we expect anything less?

In any case, I'm jealous. Apparently, I haven't "played the game" well enough, or at all, by neglecting to attend all of those blogger-heavy cocktail parties that everyone else goes to, the ones where everybody hangs out on, say, Greg F.'s balcony overlooking a municipal park or opera house or avant-garde candy store, arguing about the strengths and weaknesses of Blogger or Wordpress, or that the real problem with the world of film blogging isn't that it is being overrun by unwashed trolls in Battlestar Galactica gear, but rather that the dialectics of epistemology in regards to film as argument have been degraded to the point of incoherence by, I don't know, Fox, or somebody. And then Fox probably says, "But I made you guys potato salad!" And then Marilyn punches him in the teeth, and Rick spits in his face, and then everyone laughs. Because these are cruel people we're dealing with, and make no mistake.

So I'm too much of an outsider, is what I'm trying to say. But guess who doesn't care about that? That's right, me. The truth is, I can form my own blurbs without groveling to anyone. All I have to do is cull my comments, from the thousands of posts I've put up over the last decade, and stitch them together, because that's legal, and who's going to stop me? Ed Howard?? Don't make me laugh.

And culled my comments sections I have done, and I now lay before you a series of world-shattering blurbs that make everyone else's look like a bunch of dumb-ass garbage. See for yourself.

"I...like...you[!]' - Fox


"I thought...[The Kind of Face You Hate]...was...best." - Ed Howard


"On a lighter note...[this website]...is hypnotic." - Rick Olson


"I own everything [Bill R.] has ever released." - Brian Doan


"I'm a sucker for [Bill R. and this blog] though, so take that for what it's worth." - Bob Turnbull


"I think that the idea that [The Kind of Face You Hate] is [anything less than brilliant] is kind of bullshit." - Piper


"[Bill R.] is much better in his prose and in his ideas [than I am]." - John Self


"...clean and without influence...the legend [of this blog] precedes it." - Flickhead


"Jesus Christ..." - Dennis Cozallio


"[Bill R.] is brilliant, but [The Kind of Face You Hate] is one creepy and disturbing [blog]." - Pat


"Eat what?!! *swoon*" - jryan


"The blowjobs were amazing." - Greg F.


"We're taught from our first nightmares that 'it's only a [blog]' so that this kind of brutal realization that it's not is inherently chilling." - Krauthammer


"And I LOVE [Bill R.], especially since we got our new air mattress." - Marilyn


"I just noticed this." - Arbogast

* * * * *

Have a great weekend, everybody!

38 comments:

Greg F. said...

First off, the blowjobs were okay, I was just being nice. Jarvis is actually much better at it.

Second, The Avant-Garde Candy Store would be a great name for a blog.

Third, I don't have blurbs on my sidebar. After seeing actual famous writers on the Siren's sidebar I felt too inferior to put anything up myself.

bill r. said...

But...you told me they were amazing!! Now that blurb is meaningless!! You've ruined my blog. RUINED IT!!!

Aren't you guys famous, by the way?? That's why I did this! If I thought you were just a bunch of nobodies, I wouldn't have bothered.

Ed Howard said...

I'll stop you one of these days, Bill. Your evil blurb-grubbing plan will never work! Never, I say!

*Shakes fist*

Fox said...

Dude... I just laughed my ass off at the phrase "avant-garde candy store"!!!

Now I need to go back and finish...

bill r. said...

Ed, you will lose. You. Will. Lose!

Fox said...

"...but rather that the dialectics of epistemology in regards to film as argument have been degraded to the point of incoherence by, I don't know, Fox, or somebody."

If I knew what that sentence meant, I might've been offended.

bill r. said...

Fox, it means that some people in our blogging circle believe that you have degraded the dialectics of epistemology regarding the idea of film as argument to the point of incoherence. I'm not saying I agree with those people, mind you.

Ed Howard said...

This is an old argument, Bill. There are those who disagree with the common line of wisdom regarding Fox, preferring instead to argue that the dialectics of epistemology have always been incoherent, and will always remain incoherent, regardless of whatever epistemological travesties Fox may or may not have committed in his blogging career.

bill r. said...

Ed - Well of course. But there are two factions: the one you just described, and the one who would rather see Fox and all his musings purged from the internet transforming the very idea of dialectics into a freakshow.

Greg F. said...

I don't care about the dialectical stuff, I just want a blowjob.

And a good one this time!

Fox said...

Fox, it means that some people in our blogging circle believe that you have degraded the dialectics of epistemology regarding the idea of film as argument to the point of incoherence. I'm not saying I agree with those people, mind you.
---

This is an old argument, Bill. There are those who disagree with the common line of wisdom regarding Fox, preferring instead to argue that the dialectics of epistemology have always been incoherent, and will always remain incoherent, regardless of whatever epistemological travesties Fox may or may not have committed in his blogging career.
---

Ed - Well of course. But there are two factions: the one you just described, and the one who would rather see Fox and all his musings purged from the internet transforming the very idea of dialectics into a freakshow.

Smart people are weird.

"Dialectics"... that's the R.L. Hubbard guy, right? The one who writes scary children's books for Christian Scientists?

Fox said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fox said...

I don't care about the dialectical stuff, I just want a blowjob.

And a good one this time!


The best blowjob I ever had was back behind the avant-garde candy store. The blowjob was avant-garde too.

bill r. said...

I got an avant-garde blowjob once, and I ended up in the hospital!!

Fox said...

I got an avant-garde blowjob once, and I ended up in the hospital!!

You should put that on a shirt.

Set up a paypal account and I will be your first customer.

PIPER said...

Bill,

Don't feel bad. I have blogging cocktail parties all the time and I try to feed everyone lines like "wouldn't you say that Lazy Eye Theatre is a must-read?" or "Wouldn't it be horrible to imagine life without Lazy Eye Theatre?" or "Don't you think Piper is brilliant?"

The room clears out pretty fast after that.

But feel free to use my line. I like it.

bill r. said...

Piper, have you tried saying "Can you reapeat the words 'LAZY EYE THEATER is unputdownable' into this tape recorder?" If that doesn't work, I'll eat my hat.

Stacie Ponder said...

Wait, I was never blurbed by Arbogast! Or vice versa...or whichever way it goes to mean I don't quiote him on my site. Unless one of those quotes uses his real name...wait, is Arbogast "Anonymous"?? That explains all!

But really, the negative quote I have on my site is the one I like the best.

Here's one you can use from me:

"I have left a comment on The Kind of Face You Hate."

:)

bill r. said...

Is there no Arbogast blurb at your place? I was sure there was. I need to do more research, I guess. Well, whatever, I'm not changing a word of this post. The truth will soon match my fiction!

And thanks for the blurb, Stacie! I can honestly say that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Dennis Cozzalio said...

Nice hatchet job on Stacie and Arbogast, Bill. Jesus Christ!

Dennis Cozzalio said...

And who is this Greg F. fella? Last name wouldn't be Focker, would it?

Dennis Cozzalio said...

What'd I'd really like to know is, who the hell has been impersonating me for those last two comments? Jesus Christ!

bill r. said...

What the?? Dennis! Halloo! It's wonderful to hear from you, although I must admit that I'm sorry to discover that you've apparently lost your mind. My condolences.

Arbogast and Stacie had it coming, I bet.

Although I had a feeling, I didn't quite realize how successful a post like this is in luring people to one's blog. This'll have to be a regular event! Next time, though, someone will be probably be lured to their doom. Fair warning.

Flickhead said...
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Flickhead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Arbogast said...

Bill, keep in mind that I can't blurb you. You have to pirate from my site kind words for use as blurbs. I did once say...

"You could do worse than to shuffle on over and read his thoughtful posts..."

and you could even use a subject header I once devoted to you...

"The best thing I've read all day"

Go ahead. My gift to you. And I say lots of nice things about Stacie but she's never cheapened my praise to hawk her own wares.

Arbogast said...

I do like the sound of "Arbogast and Stacie," though. It has a sitcom-y, wedding matchbook snap to it.

bill r. said...

And I say lots of nice things about Stacie but she's never cheapened my praise to hawk her own wares.

Sounds like a blurb to me!

Why did Flickhead delete his posts? You guys know all this was done for fun, right, because I couldn't think of anything else to do? I'm starting to get the feeling that that didn't come across...

I'm embarrassed by the idea that some of you might think I was actually trolling for blurbs.

Flickhead said...

Bill, I thought my comments were stupid, moreso than usual, so I deleted them.

Arbogast said...

Bill, your blurb trolling was the best thing I read all day!

Marilyn said...

Chill, everyone! You'll feel much better when you've rolled around in the firmament of my new air mattress. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

I was actually thinking of adding blurbs to my blog, starting with Roger Ebert to make you all cry! I'm a cruel person

PIPER said...

Now I really need to know what Flickhead wrote. It's killing me.

bill r. said...

Marilyn's not lying: her new air mattress is awesome!

Piper, Flickhead said: "Duh, fart fart poop!" He decided it was a dumb thing to say, and while I disagree, I can respect his decision.

Flickhead said...

It's a gas, gas, gas!

Rick Olson said...

What I like about this string of comments is that for once it wasn't Fox who brought up the blowjobs.

In fact, here's a blurb for you:

"The Kind of Face You Hate: It Isn't Fox Who Brings Up the Blowjobs."

Greg F. said...

It's me who does!

I actually did use the blowjob line here on the blog folks. Bill really isn't making that up. But of course, none of you know the context.

Mwahahahahaha!!!

Greg F. said...

Oh and...

duh, fart, fart, poop.

Arbogast said...

Incident at Loch Ness is the feel good movie of the year!

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